As student nurses, we pick one of our 2nd-12 months placements and are recommended to go into an location that interests us most. I chose to do a 5-week stint in a sexual wellness clinic. Sexual health clinics are magical areas in which surprises spring from the walls. I once walked into work to find an aggressive looking – but pretty – nurse loudly spelling the word “gonorrhoea” down the telephone although slurping white sizzling chocolate from a mug with the c-word on it. All before seven.30am.
I manufactured specific friends with a doctor – we’ll phone him Dr Ray. He was a genial Nigerian guy who possessed the sense of abandon that could only arise from being a married religious specialist who has noticed a lot more vaginas than Charlemagne. Dr Ray asked me to lead a couple of his appointments he had a ton of paperwork to get by way of and was faced with acquiring it completed or really seeing his individuals (thank you NHS management). He suggests an apparent win-win circumstance: we both sit in the consulting room, I foremost the appointments and he sitting in the corner, quietly knuckling down to his paperwork but on hand must I need him.
I am chuffed – I’m even now a pupil, I’ve never ever run a clinic before and it’s fantastic encounter. We very carefully choose my initial ever patient, paying specific attention to the age and gender. She’s in her 50s, which would recommend she’s unlikely to have something specifically unusual going on. Pompously, I walk into the waiting room and contact her name. As she gets up and walks in excess of, I recognize a peculiar gait: “Thrush” I feel, “She’s clearly acquired a actually nasty bout of thrush.” Other than the hobble, she seems to be totally standard.
As soon as in the space, I make clear who I am, who Dr Ray is, and how we will go about issues. I ask her about her sexual background, whether she has youngsters and so forth. She tells me in a clipped accent that she’s been married for twenty years and has two younger kids. She hasn’t slept with anyone else since acquiring married. “Thrush!” I smugly congratulate myself. “Irrefutably thrush.”
“So what brings you here right now, Mrs T?” I request, demurely. “Well” she commences, shifting her place and wincing, “I was taking part in with my son’s dinosaur, and it is stuck.”
We come encounter to encounter with Rex, who is poised for battle with my forceps, claws up, as it were
“OK, Mrs T, but why are you in the sexual wellness clinic right now?” I continue, somewhat bemused.
“It’s caught,” she repeats, providing me a pointed seem.
There is a extended pause, the penny’s even now in the air for me, but I can see the outline of Dr Ray’s shoulders silently heaving as he is made up of his giggles.
“I’m even now not very with you. Can you elaborate on that please?” I inquire.
“It’s a T-Rex,” she adds. She gestures helplessly in direction of her crotch and looks stricken. “It’s caught.” The penny finally drops.
I am overwhelmed with a range of inquiries but, understandably, misplaced for phrases. At this level Dr Ray interjects and suggests we get our patient on to the sofa. Speculum in, we come face to face with Rex, who is poised for battle with my forceps, claws up, as it had been. There is a element of the female anatomy referred to as the posterior fornix, a minor trench, correct up by the cervix – “whose anatomical purposes, among other individuals, include pooling sperm” I feel to myself. This bad tiny fornix had pooled a 5cm tall toy T-Rex (produced in China). Rexy had managed to get lodged so when searching towards the cervix using a speculum you could just see his head and front claws over this anatomical parapet.
Right after some deft manoeuvring with the forceps and a prophylactic course of antibiotics, the offending item was deposited in the medical waste bin. One of the very best sentences I have ever uttered as a nurse, scratch that, 1 of the greatest sentences I’ve ever said, is: “I really don’t advise inserting children’s toys during sexual action, even so if you do choose to masturbate with a toy dinosaur, I advocate acquiring your own, and maybe putting it in a condom, or tying a leash to its foot.”
Connected: General practice might seem to be like a circus act but the display must go on
The lady nods appreciatively and hobbles off. Dr Ray and I wait in silence, poised until finally she’s safely out of earshot, before we both break down with laughter. It took each and every ounce of my power to stay professional that day, and I realized never to pre-empt patients or their circumstances again.
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• The author writes beneath a pseudonym
The day I removed a toy dinosaur from a woman"s vagina
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