I found out my mum was dying four days before she passed away, and she wasn’t even the one who told me, it was my godfather. I had known she was unwell for some time, but her death still came as a shock. The last couple of days were very painful.
My issues with food started before her cancer diagnosis. At 12, I started to think I was fat. I have always been insecure about the way I look, so I went on a diet and it spiralled out of control. When I found out my mum was ill, everything got worse. I was eventually referred to children’s mental health services because I was so unwell. My life was so out of control that food, the one thing I thought I could control, became my obsession.
By the time my mum passed away, two years later, I was managing my eating disorder but not fully recovered. I was still very controlling about what I ate and worried about putting on weight. My family situation was getting more complicated: I had a difficult relationship with my dad and my grandfather suffered from Alzheimer’s, so I ended up in foster care.
The next few years involved seeing various therapists and moving to different foster families. At 16, when I was sitting my GCSEs I reached my lowest point. As I was walking in to take one of my exams I felt exhausted, cold and tired. My anorexia was the worst it had ever been and I didn’t want to be alive anymore. My latest foster placement wasn’t working out. I felt lost and alone, walking around in a blur. Shortly after this, I was sectioned. Those around me were worried I might kill myself. I ended up being taken into hospital to be looked after.
Sometimes in life you just crack, you cannot really explain it. I cracked and thought, “I cannot do this anymore.” I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing and I was still struggling to come to terms with my mum’s death.
It feels strange to look back at this time because now – as a 20-year-old woman – I am well on the path to recovery. Today, I am happy, with an amazing foster mother and about to embark on a trip to India to learn yoga. I’ve turned my life around, although it hasn’t been easy.
My journey to recovery was not plain sailing. I spent a year in a hospital ward, and it got to the point where I was afraid to leave, because being in hospital changed me. The thought of having to stay overnight in a hospital now terrifies me, but there was a point where, for me, it was the norm.
It was while I was in hospital, aged 16, that I met the woman who changed my life: my foster mum. She gave me hope and made me feel loved. At first, I was cautious because of past relationships, but gradually she helped lift me out of my depression and offered me a new life with her.
I remember we had this really awkward tour around the unit when she first arrived and the nurses were like, “It’s so nice to meet you.” The moment I thought she might be the right person for me was when I was flicking through this Cath Kidston magazine and saw a bag I wanted. The next day she bought it for me and I was so surprised. I suddenly felt that someone had noticed me.
The turning point that finally got me out of hospital was when I wanted to go to a vegan Buddhist camp with her and her family. Me and my foster mum are both very stubborn and we were like, “Let’s do this.” I got discharged three days before the holiday and never went back. It was a lightbulb moment, and I didn’t want to fall further behind in school. After this, I joined college and started my new life in London.
My foster mum is so supportive. She used to sit with me all the time when I ate, even if I took an hour to get through a single yoghurt. She was patient and kind. She never seemed annoyed at me and took me on at difficult time in my life. She also gave me the best advice, telling me that everything passes and a lot of the time we feel bad but then that goes, life is about change and nothing lasts for ever.
She made me realise that people are scared of change because it feels wrong, but if recovery feels wrong then that’s exciting. It’s hard being ill but it’s also hard taking those first steps to recovery, although it’s so worth it.
Having an eating disorder is like being stuck in a box and you know others have left the box before, but you’re not sure how you are going to do it. You hate being in the box, but the outside world also seems scary, so you are sat there looking out through the keyhole thinking, “How do I get out?” I was feeling very suicidal, which was part of the reason why I didn’t eat. My depression led to my anorexia, which was never really about the food at all.
I believe everyone can get through an eating disorder. My experiences have taught me to be more comfortable about being vulnerable. Strength is accepting we are human and bad times and good times all pass. Life has its ups and downs but you must be brave enough to keep going. Real strength is admitting you are vulnerable, and, if you need help, please go and get it.
The Beat youthline can help young people experiencing an eating disorder: 0345 634 7650. In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here
My eating disorder made me feel trapped in a box, but I found a way out
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