Prince William in 2014 (Getty Images)
Now that he has become a father, Prince William’s hair has started to recede faster than a Eurozone economy. Sorry, Your Royal Highness, it seems that you’re getting old.
Here, then, are some more telltale signs that time is taking its toll on us men…
1. Going to bed early is not a punishment, but a blessed relief.
2. You are, very occasionally, more interested by babies than babes.
3. Someone famous dies and your immediate reaction is to subtract your age from theirs and realise, with a start, that the difference is terrifyingly small. Or, even worse, that you’re older.
4. You discover that there is an inverse relationship between the amount of hair on your head and the number of shampoos, conditioners, grooming gels, creams, bottles of Just For Men, restorative foams and anti-baldness pills you possess. Soon, you will have a bathroom cabinet that puts Boots to shame and a scalp like Kojak’s even balder brother.
5. You get the reference to Kojak.
Kojak: “who loves ya, baby?” (ALAMY)
6. All those furious female TV presenters who are always protesting that they’re too old to get decent jobs any more, well, they don’t seem that old to you.
7. You’re clearing out the garage – because that’s the kind of thing you do these days – and you find a pile of old vinyl LPs. You haven’t played any of them in 20 years, maybe more, but every sleeve brings back a memory.
Vinyl LP covers: a reminder of happier times (ALAMY)
8. You see a pretty young thing swishing down the street on a sunny day and your heart still lights up as it always did. But the blood doesn’t pound as hard as a young man’s does. And then you realise that you’re probably older than the pretty young thing’s father. Or, in some parts of the country, her grandad.
9. It’s not just that you’re older – much, much older… – than the footballers on Match of the Day. It’s that the managers have started to seem young, as do the pundits and certainly the referees. Not that you see many of them, because you’ve dropped off less than halfway through the programme. Speaking of which …
10. Afternoon nap – the two finest words in the lexicon.
11. You start to take a perverse pride in wearing old clothes. They’re agreeably familiar, and the tattier they get, the more comfortable they become. It’s a tremendous relief to give up shopping almost entirely. You start thinking they’ll probably see you out if you look after them carefully. And what could provide more satisfaction than being able to get into the jeans you bought when you were 35?
12. Squat on your haunches. Now stand. Just a few twinges, aren’t there? Kneel down for more than 30 seconds. Try to get up. See what I mean?
13. While watching Steve Coogan and Rob Bryden in The Trip to Italy, you hoot with laughter at Coogan’s spot-on impersonation of Neil Kinnock while your unsmiling teenage son asks: “Who’s Neil Kinnock?”
14. Pensions cease to be a subject of no interest whatever and become an overriding obsession. See also the iniquities of annuity rates, the rapacity of fund managers, the dubious ability of financial advisers. And as for George Osborne’s pension reforms in the Budget, oh, be still my beating heart: what excitement!
15. Gardening – there’s another thing that never used to be of any interest whatever. But suddenly you find yourself brooding over slug repellents, leafing through seed, bulb and David Austin rose catalogues and, yes, being genuinely grateful for a really good pair of gardening gloves at Christmas.
16. It’s not that you spend Saturday evenings in, watching all those Euro-cop shows on BBC Four, laying off the Scandinavian murder mysteries and Belgian conspiracy thrillers just long enough to relish the intrigues of Danish coalition politics; it’s that you actually think you’re rather trendy as you’re doing it.
17. You used to be reasonably hip, but now you have literally no idea at all what the number one single could possibly be. If you happen to hear it, your first reaction is to spot all the songs and artists you remember from the old days from which it (like virtually all contemporary hits) has been ripped off.
18. How can one be both shortsighted and longsighted at the same time? Reach middle-age, that’s how. Suddenly TV dinners become a nightmare as you discover that you can either see the telly, or the food on your plate. But not both, and suddenly…
19. You can hold your own in a discussion about varifocals. “Oh, do they work for you? Really? I couldn’t the hang of them at all, myself. They just made me feel woozy and walking downstairs was a nightmare of vertigo. What? You have different prescription lenses in either eye? Amazing, etc…”
One Direction (I think…) (GETTY IMAGES)
20. The baby that you once held so nervously in your arms goes to school, and you add ‘nativity plays’ to the list of unexpected pleasures. Then you go to cello recitals and cheer at football games; and fight to get your children into the school you wanted; and you suffer through GCSEs and A-Levels, through fights with friends and first romances, through furious rows and slamming doors, through endless evenings spent ferrying them to parties and back. Then suddenly they’re halfway round the world, backpacking anywhere from Bolivia to Bangkok. And they’re graduating, getting jobs and somehow costing even more than they ever did before. And you simply can’t imagine how the time could have gone by so fast.
Oh, and one final thing…
21. You know you left another sign of getting old somewhere safe, just in case you needed it, but you simply can’t remember where…
Sorry, Prince William, you know you happen to be receiving outdated when...
Hiç yorum yok:
Yorum Gönder