My fellow visitors – some here for up to a month to boost their health and drop excess weight – are a friendly bunch, busy organising video games of tennis and steam and splash sessions. But I have a headache, that familiar frontal-lobe buzz that I slake with caffeine every day, and wait it out poolside, glaring at the landscape. I realise that I foresaw a week of no solids whizzing by, a bit like a film montage involving a handful of sequences of me wafting about in a dressing gown from which I shall emerge, butterfly-like. But right now I really fancy a croissant and cappuccino. Tantric massage delivers a distraction, but what Trudie-and-Sting-style horror awaits? There is a feather and blindfold involved, apparently, but absolutely nothing too thrilling. I loosen up, and drink an additional juice.
Day 3
My headache is gone and the Juice Master himself, Jason, has dropped in to give us a talk. His approach is two-pronged: cut out the rubbish and place in the excellent. “Of course, it would be excellent if people ate all these greens. But the actuality is most people aren’t going to do that!” Me neither, I admit to myself, and slurp my green juice.
I rather like these juices. But I wouldn’t mind a snack and am spotted by a housekeeper as I eye up a mandarin tree near the pool. “Not ripe however,” she tells me, with the air of someone who has to repeat this every day.
Day Four
I’m enjoying being kept active by the (optional) programme of Pilates, yoga, walks and exercise lessons run by the friendly employees. I catch myself bouncing on a mini-trampoline outdoors as the sun sets with a massive grin on my face. It fairly shores me up for the lower point coming – a fellow guest explaining in solemn detail the day’s bowel movements (apparently, some uncover their systems shocked into standstill by an all-juice diet regime). I spoon up my green soup and believe of my thighs.
Day 5
Sceptics of juice fasts (“a juice feast…” Jason corrects) argue that you are starving your self crash-dieting. But, while I’m far from stuffed, I am happily doing an hour or two of workout each day on liquids alone with none of the light-headedness or drop in power I feared.
But if I truly feel fine, these days I also feel hungry. “Ah,” say the previous-timers. “But are you hungry or are you thirsty?” I down two glasses of water, then but one more herbal tea for good measure. I wait. I am hungry. “It’s stunning here! I’m hungry,” I text my nearest and dearest, hunting for sympathy. There is not a lot of that, as I’ve invested the past 4 days sending them photographs from the scorching tub on my balcony, capturing just how the morning mist above the river sparkles in the Mediterranean sunshine.
I turn for succour to a rainforest massage, in the course of which I am hosed down by something rather like the sprinkler arms irrigating the nearby fields. It’s remarkably pleasant. I’d doze off, were I not worried about drowning.
Tonight I dream of pizza.
Day 6
We juicers are getting encouraged to use our week of raw, unadulterated juice to “reset” ourselves with better eating habits at home. Absolutely everyone scribbles away. I’m not immune. “But how do you come to feel about Greek yogurt?” I find myself asking. Sheep’s milk or coconut, is the reply.
Day 7
I am so desperate for crunch that I consume my salad offered for the flight house (airline food is not part of the Juice Master plan) on the drive to the airport. After back, even so, I locate I have misplaced 5 pounds and my close friends comment on how vivid my skin looks. I’m also buzzing with vitality. Getting vowed to minimize down on caffeine, I deal with myself to a weak instant coffee to celebrate and am broad-eyed awake till two in the morning. The week was certainly a reset, I conclude.
Even now, I’m glad of the time: I’ve got some thing to do on-line.
Reader, I get a juicer.
A seven-evening keep at Juicy Oasis (in the Vale do Serrão, central Portugal, a two-hour drive from Lisbon) costs from £845 (based
on twin room). Bookings: 01234 480280, www.juicyoasis.com
Destination DETOX: 7 SHINING SPAS
Lefay Resort Italy
Set in woodland overlooking Lake Garda, this modern spa resort delivers brief-break detoxes involving algae wraps, saltwater treatments and mud massages.
www.lefayresorts.com
La Clairière France
A holistic “bio-spa” resort in Alsace supplying invigorating skin scrubs, massages, daily group routines and fitness lessons.
la-clairiere.com
BodyHoliday St Lucia
Sweat away toxins in the resort’s treehouse spinning studio, whilst paddle boarding, Hobie Cat-sailing – or, much less strenuously, in the Caribbean’s biggest spa, the place treatment options consist of physique wraps, deep tissue massages and hydrotherapies.
www.thebodyholiday.com
SHA Wellness Spain
Currently undergoing a enormous expansion to double its size, this hillside clinic outdoors Alicante is the perfect place to tackle health issues or lose weight the 7-evening detox program requires yoga, tai chi, a healthy cookery course and luxury spa treatment options galore.
shawellnessclinic.com
Viva Mayr Clinic Austria
For a complete gut cleanse, hit the daddy of medi-spas. Michael Gove spent a week right here and misplaced two stone.
viva-mayr.com
Amansala Chica Mexico
Perched on the Mayan riviera, this ‘bikini bootcamp’ – which has hosted Charlize Theron and Jade Jagger – runs Location Detox, a five-day raw-foods programme developed to cleanse, nourish and take off weight.
www.amansala.com/chica.php
Kamalaya Thailand
A great all-round option for first-time detoxers, this Koh Samui hideaway combines Conventional Chinese Medication with fusion cuisine, fitness classes and Oriental spa therapies.
kamalaya.com
"Seven pounds in 7 days? I drink the green juice and think of my thighs.?.?."
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