Every doctor has one death they remember. For me, it was you

You were only in your 40s when you came into hospital and I was asked to see you. You reminded me of my mother, only you were 10 years younger.

The cancer had spread throughout your body. Your husband had brought you into hospital because you hadn’t eaten or drunk for almost a week and had collapsed.

I took one look and knew you didn’t have long. Your husband said that a week ago you had been your usual self, walking, laughing, living, loving. He broke down in tears. He didn’t need me to tell him you weren’t going to leave hospital. He told me how grateful he was for the cancer treatment we’d given you, what wonderful care you had received. His wish was that you would stay alive long enough for your parents to see you one last time. They were away and you hadn’t told them you were unwell for fear of hurting them, so they’d only found out today. They were getting the first flight to come and see you one last time. To say goodbye.

Your husband was overcome by emotion, hoping, begging I’d say you’d make it long enough to see them. I should have managed his expectations, explained that we’d do everything we could, that you were very unwell, that your organs were failing, your body was failing. I should have found a way to say all this, sensitively, compassionately and professionally. Instead, my lip trembled. My voice broke. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had to leave you to compose myself. I walked to the bathroom and wept.

I came back five minutes later, and your husband apologised for upsetting me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that his last wish for you would be taken away. Instead, I told him we’d try our best. I said I would get the consultant to see you, partly because I hoped he’d have an answer I didn’t have, partly because I knew I couldn’t tell your husband you had hours to live.

When the consultant told your husband that he had only hours left with you, and that he should call your loved ones to your side, your husband thanked us between sobs.

I came into your room a couple of hours later to see how you were. The lights were dim. You looked at peace. You had left us. Your sister was there, your son was there. Your husband was there. He thanked us for everything we had done in giving you the time you had together. Your parents never made it.

I hope you are resting in peace. I hope your husband is somehow coping with your loss.

Some details have been changed.

If you would like to contribute to our Blood, sweat and tears series about memorable moments in a healthcare career, read our guidelines and get in touch by emailing sarah.johnson@theguardian.com.

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Every doctor has one death they remember. For me, it was you

My cancer diary: ‘That was a hell of a wake – I hope I’ll remember it for years’

Tuesday 15 November

After four days of in-patient treatment – intensive rehydration, intravenous antibiotics and two units of blood, not to mention so many blood tests that “find the vein” became an almost full-time staff pastime – I’m feeling much better. So now back at the Royal Marsden [specialist cancer treatment hospital] for blood tests ahead of what I hope will be more chemotherapy treatment on Thursday.

And good news! Blood pressure’s up and stable; platelets and white blood cells all well within safe range – so all clear for treatment. This is quite a relief, and I’m sure I’m not the only cancer patient – or physician, for that matter – who feels this, but having to miss treatments is frustrating and a bit of a worry. The fear being that as treatments are skipped, the cancer and its offshoots will regain ground, thus making them harder to treat further down the line. Anyhow, none of that this week!

Thursday 17 November

Having missed a week of treatment, whereas this should’ve been a double drug week – paclitaxel on the NHS, and ramucirumab up in the private patients’ “suite” – in fact, as we’re in what is in effect now week two in the cycle, it’s NHS paclitaxel only.

Infusion goes well – once they’d found a vein for the cannula (the rather clever device through which infusions are delivered into veins). With the cold cap applied I still live in hope that I won’t lose my hair. And what a relief to have actually got another round of treatment!

Friday 18 November

In Manchester today for an appearance on BBC Breakfast’s sofa at an outside broadcast they’re doing to mark the end of a series of reports on cancer – one of which, as I think I mentioned before, featured me and a conversation with my old friend Nick Robinson about how to discuss cancer with family, friends and the world beyond. The programme came from the Maggie’s centre at the Christie hospital. Maggie’s centres are there for people with cancer – and others affected by it: carers, family, friends etc – to drop in for help, advice or just a chat.

It was heartening to meet other people living with cancer – and a great coming-together moment when the presenter tried to tell three of us we had “terminal” cancer, which was met with a good humoured but unanimous raspberry. The only certainties in life are, as they say, death and taxes, and so it is when you’ve got cancer. I might have weeks, months, years or even a full lifespan ahead of me. I know I’ve got advanced cancer and well recognise that changes the odds considerably – but I’m not out yet and neither were any of my fellow contributors.

I was asked one question, though, which really made me think. Why had I decided to be so public about my cancer? Which as I sat in the Maggie’s centre did make me think about how privileged my position is compared with so many others with cancer diagnoses.

First, I’m a journalist and so have a way of approaching my own disease which interests and engages me as a story in its own right and – as any journalist will attest – once you’ve got a story, the urge to tell it is almost irresistible. Second, I have access to ways of telling it both on the radio and in print. And third, I’m not 35 and still building a career or in the dating game or running my own business where I’m the key business winner. Who would want to tell a prospective boss or date or client about a diagnosis like mine? Nor am I facing a relationship breakdown by revealing all – you don’t exactly make yourself an investment by telling people you’ve got cancer.

For me, by contrast, there is virtually no downside. I suppose what I’ve realised is that for many people, that’s just not the case. So there is a long way to go in terms of society in general coming to terms with the realities of cancer – after all, Cancer Research statistics suggest that one in two of us will get it at some point in our lives.

Tuesday 22 November

Back to the Marsden today for blood tests ahead of treatment on Thursday – I hope! I’ve been feeling generally OK, although pesky kidney stones have been back. Unfortunately, the tests show that my platelet count has dropped again and so has the level of the white blood cells – critically important to fighting infections.

My consultant, Dr Starling, appears even more fed up and disappointed than me, especially because there are some very early signs – no symptoms from the main tumour at all, improved liver function and other markers showing positive – that might suggest the new regime is working on the cancer. Trouble is, it might also be rendering me unable to safely receive it. Consultant wondering – but really hoping not – whether I might be in the 2% of people (yes, 2%) to whom the drug paclitaxel appears to do this. Naturally I am with her on this!

So treatment on Thursday now looking unlikely. More self-injections to promote white blood cell production prescribed, and more blood tests (we really are running out of veins) booked for early Thursday morning …

Wednesday 23 November

Up at 6.15 to prepare for The Media Show. But, to be honest, the kidney stones are killing me, the medication can make one a bit dopey, and I’m feeling pretty fatigued. So 7am speak to producer, who takes the news brilliantly well and sets out to find a stand-in presenter. I always feel bad doing this but BBC Radio has been really brilliant about it, and I guess if I did present a programme and made a hash of it I’d feel quite a lot worse.

Thursday 24 November

Back at the Marsden. Blood results not great so definitely no treatment today. Another date missed and more of the frustration and underlying issues to worry about. But a platelet infusion later and it’s onwards and upwards!

Friday 25 November

Months ago I agreed to a request from the Media Society – and the London Press Club and the Royal Television Society – to consider participating in an evening looking at my career. Flattering and hard to turn down in many ways but weirdly like an invitation to my own wake. With the help of BBC Radio they managed to get the historic Radio Theatre at Broadcasting House, home to so many BBC comedies and performances. And the event is tonight!

It is framed as an interview between me and Roger Bolton, presenter of Radio 4’s Feedback but a TV executive of many, many years’ experience who once upon a time as editor of Nationwide gave me my first proper job in telly. Well, 300 guests and a packed Radio Theatre beckoned – and, I should say, with every likelihood of a £2,000-plus donation to the Marsden charity. But what had I let myself in for?

Back at the Marsden again, the platelet count had improved but there was no significant movement on the white blood cells and the amazing Dr Starling was actively worrying about whether I should even do the Radio Theatre event. Ultimately she relents, and with a very strict set of instructions – get a cab there and back, stay away from anybody with a cough or cold, and if you get a temperature or even feel just really off, call the emergency helpline immediately – gives me her blessing.

Audience reaction was truly amazing and utterly humbling. As wakes go, it’ll be one to remember – which I trust I will for many years to come!

To donate to Maggie’s centres, visit maggiescentres.org

My cancer diary: ‘That was a hell of a wake – I hope I’ll remember it for years’

I remember the welfare state being built. A divided Labour cannot save it | Harry Leslie Smith

As the date for the Labour conference grows closer, like dark clouds gathering on the horizon, my thoughts are focused on the social and economic injustices from our nation’s history that helped form this party’s progressive political ideology.

Come this October it will be 90 years since my eldest sister Marion was buried in a pauper’s pit on the outskirts of Barnsley. Not a day has gone by in the intervening decades when I have not thought of her miserable death from TB in a workhouse infirmary, or her ignoble burial in a mass grave for indigents because my parents, being from the working class, were too poor to afford my sister a doctor’s care.

My sister’s tragic end came at a time when Britain was ruled by a Tory government that had unleashed austerity on the citizens of Britain. Her death, and the misery I endured from poverty in the 1930s, were caused by government indifference to the plight of working-class Britain – and that politicised me to become a pragmatic socialist. I learned during the Great Depression that there can be no middle road to social or economic justice when my family, along with millions of other British citizens, were forced to live in substandard housing or slums because the government didn’t adequately tax its most affluent citizens and corporations.

Labour must end its eternal battle between its heart and its head. Both are necessary for electoral victory

It’s why since 1945 my political ideology has been fixed in orbit around the Labour party’s commitment to social democracy. So, when I was invited to speak at the Labour conference in 2014 about what life was like in Britain before the NHS, I was honoured. I was also gratified that I was finally able to give the speech I had waited a lifetime to give about the iniquities ordinary people endure if there is no social safety network to protect them.

Since then, I have spoken all across Britain to small and large crowds about how my generation struggled to build a welfare state, and how that became a tide which raised all boats from the miseries of unharnessed capitalism. But my talks were not so much about my past as about everyone else’s future, and how the younger generations must now shoulder the responsibility to maintain and preserve my generation’s legacy, the welfare state.

But for the young to make a difference and reverse years of neoliberalism that have fragmented this society and ossified their ability to prosper, the left must unite for one purpose: to defeat conservative politics that benefits the few at the expense of the many. Those of social conscience who want a nation based upon egalitarian ideals can only accomplish this if the Labour party ends its eternal battle between its heart and its head. Both are necessary for electoral victory. The warring factions in Labour must unite in a grand alliance that includes the PLP and its 500,000 enthusiastic members, as well as the millions of voters all across these islands who want a new deal.

Make no mistake: I am a fervent supporter of Jeremy Corbyn but I will not forget or ignore how I came to speak at that Labour conference in 2014. I will always be grateful to Andy Burnham, along with Ed Miliband and his office of dedicated staffers, who asked me to speak about healthcare because they believed in an NHS that is for the people and not for the benefit of hedge funds. It’s why, having met many of the members of the PLP over the past two years in every nook and cranny of this country, I can attest to their professionalism and their dedication to social justice. But in their anguish after Brexit, I believe the PLP members erred when they tried to oust a leader who had been elected less than a year earlier. I understand their frustrations just as well as those party members who are now angry at the PLP. I can see the merits to both sides in this acrimonious battle.

That’s why this year’s conference in Liverpool will be more important than even one held right before a general election. The speeches will be a window for the British electorate to see whether Labour can tell the human stories that win elections, rather than just settling old scores.

So, for those members given the great honour of addressing conference delegates – whether they support Corbyn or Owen Smith – they must remember that history is watching them and measure their words accordingly. This is not the time nor the place for the politics of revenge, but instead a time for amity. This is the time for Labour to reaffirm its commitment to forming the next government and building a compassionate Britain, where all are welcomed. The only way to do that is to get our own house in order.

I remember the welfare state being built. A divided Labour cannot save it | Harry Leslie Smith

Remember the ice bucket challenge? It just funded an ALS breakthrough

It is often easy to dismiss viral charity campaigns as “slacktivism”, which lacks in real-world impact (we never did catch the warlord Joseph Kony, after all) but a breakthrough discovery bankrolled by 2014’s ALS ice bucket challenge may give the lie to that cynicism.

The ice bucket challenge was a phenomenon in the summer of 2014 in which people dunked a bucket of iced water over their heads in order to solicit donations before nominating others to do the same.

Scores of celebrities including Mark Zuckerberg, Anna Wintour, Tom Cruise, Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr and hundreds more made videos, but the campaign was criticised by some.

Slate wrote that “for most of the people posting ice bucket videos of themselves on Facebook, Vine, and Instagram, the charity part remains a postscript”, while Time called it “problematic in almost every way”, going on to say that “most of its participants … didn’t mention the disease at all. The chance to jump on the latest trend was an end in itself. In fact, the challenge’s structure seems almost inherently offensive to those touched by ALS.”

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But the proof of the pudding was in the eating: the campaign raised more than $ 100m in a 30-day period, and was able to fully fund a number of research projects.

One of these was Project MinE, a large data-driven initiative funded by the ALS Association through ice bucket challenge donations, as well as donations from the organization’s Georgia and New York chapters. The project’s researchers announced on Monday that they have identified a new gene associated with the disease, which experts say could lead to new treatment possibilities.

Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, also known ALS or Lou Gehrig’s Disease, is a neurological disorder in which the motor neurons that control muscle function slowly die. The disease can be either sporadic or inherited, and in either case there is currently no cure.

“It’s very exciting because it shows everyone who contributed to the ice bucket challenge that their donation had an impact on the research,” said Brian Frederick, executive vice-president of communications and development at the ALS Association. “The work that Project MinE is doing is really important, and the discovery of this new gene will help us better understand ALS.”

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The newly discovered gene, NEK1, is only associated with 3% of ALS cases, but it is present in both inherited and sporadic forms of the disease, which researchers say gives them a new target for the development of possible treatments.

Project MinE has been working to sequence the genomes of 15,000 people with the disease, and the discovery, which was described in a paper published on Monday in the journal Nature Genetics, involved more than 80 researchers in 11 countries.

The discovery was significant, Frederick said, “because it helps us understand what’s triggering this and can help us better find a treatment,” though he added that “it’s still very early in our understanding of this particular gene, and we still have a ways to go with understanding ALS generally.”

Remember the ice bucket challenge? It just funded an ALS breakthrough

How to remember for the future

Why, when packing for a holiday, does one thing end up left behind? For a simple task, it’s surprisingly easy to forget the suncream, spare socks or, if you’re unlucky, your passport.

The way the brain works makes it much more difficult to remember to do something at a later moment, known as prospective memory. Retrospective memory, remembering something that has already happened, is much easier. This is because the neural encoding of retrospective memories is activated by context – sounds, thoughts and conversations. So, it’s easy to tell someone what you’ve packed if they ask, but nearly impossible to be sure in advance that you will remember to pack the right things, as you can’t predict the exact context of when you’ll be packing. A slight change to the circumstances, such as an interruption, can thwart the prospective memory of even the most conscientious person.

Perhaps one day we will understand how not to forget things but, for now, the best solution is detailed checklists, or phone alarms – as long as you remember to consult them, or recall what that alarm was supposed to remind you of.

Dr Daniel Glaser is director of Science Gallery at King’s College London

How to remember for the future

Why it truly is far better to forgive and fail to remember

Over the up coming fortnight the participants have been presented with a variety of the same scenarios once more, ahead of being asked at a later on stage both to recall the particulars or consider to keep away from pondering about them.

The findings, published in the Psychological Science journal, discovered that participants have been much more in a position to suppress the memory of scenarios they had previously forgiven.

In contrast, they always remembered the particulars of situations they had indicated they would be unable to forgive, even when they had been told to overlook them.

The results propose forgiveness may make it simpler to intentionally neglect unwanted memories, researchers mentioned.

Dr Saima Noreen of the University of St Andrews, who led the examine, mentioned: “It is well established understanding to forgive other folks can have good positive aspects for an individual’s bodily and mental overall health.

“The potential to neglect upsetting recollections could provide an effective coping method that enables people to move on with their lives.”

Preceding study has recommended that excusing folks who have hurt us could increase our wellness, with experiments displaying that those who let go of their anger are less most likely to expertise spikes in blood strain.

Why it truly is far better to forgive and fail to remember