Experiences of depression: "It leaves you on the cliff edge of sanity"

Naomi, Cambridge
Depression comes from the mind and invades the mind. It’s like an unstoppable force. Were it not so evil, it would be impressive. It zaps the joy of sleep and relaxation. It causes aches and pains and exhaustion. And then it weighs this tired body and brain down with apathy and robs me of enthusiasm. And just when you get used to the apathy and accept that you will amount to nothing more than a TV-watching, Netflix-browsing, Candy Crush-playing robot, it hits you with panic.

The panic makes you crave company and someone to stabilise you and tell you that it’s fine. But only then do you realise the full extent of the invasion. It has conquered you and you didn’t even notice. There is no one. You’ve asked for help one time too many, you cried and broke down and scared them or bored them (or both) once too often. And they were kind so they let you do it again and again, but eventually they had to look after themselves and their own sanity and they backed away while you weren’t looking. And you’re left holding on by a thread to those that are left, but you can’t risk breaking that thread so you pull your lips into a smile and you weaken yourself further by pulling yourself into the shape of a sane person.

The second wave hits with self-loathing. It hits you with all your foibles and all your huge gaping faults. It opens your eyes and makes you understand in graphic detail why everyone hates you, why you’ve been alone for days, why you’ll always be alone, why friendship and companionship is something for other people. Not for you. The second wave leads to the third: regret. Regret after regret after regret. All the things you said and did wrong. All the misjudgments and missteps, all the failures.

And then the final blow: happiness is gone. Not just missing, but gone. There is only sadness and regret and panic. I can’t remember the last time I was happy and I can’t remember what happiness feels like. I know there were times, lots of times, when I was happy. I try to recall them, but I can never get a clear picture. Was it a night out? A country walk? A hand held? A roller coaster cresting a summit? I try to summon up these moments and the people I spent them with. It’s like looking at a stranger’s photos. No emotion comes to the surface. Depression is sadness for times gone and chances never taken. It is missed opportunities and a missed future. It’s missed friends. It invades and leaves you right on the edge of the cliff of sanity. And then the ridge gives way.

Sophie Adams, Cardiff, 42

Work from Sophie Adams’s Spring Back, Fall Forward. Photograph: Sophie Adams

I’ve experienced mental health difficulties – primarily depression – since my late teens. The piece I’ve submitted is part of Spring Back, Fall Forward, a multimedia art book. It represents one year in my life, a year lost to illness and isolation, when I rarely ventured beyond my bed; a bed whose bounds transcribed the bounds of my life, for a while at least.

A painting by Michelle Baharier.

Michelle Baharier, 52
I have complex depression and post-traumatic stress disorder with somatic symptoms. I make these images to try to stay well.

Anonymous
I’ve experienced what I would now loosely term as “depression” since I was about 14. That’s the first time I remember having an extended period of feeling overwhelmed by my own mind, by a profound sadness I couldn’t explain to anyone. After a while, it just went away, as suddenly and inexplicably as I’d felt awful. And so it’s gone ever since.

That’s not to say I breeze through these bad spells. I’m only just out of one of the worst spells I’ve had in a long time; 12 days with little to no sleep, the same, very specific suicidal thoughts (specific because I’ve planned meticulously over the years what I feel is the optimal way to do it – the least harmful and hurtful to others) playing on a loop. It’s like being attacked by yourself. No one has access to your private repository of past disappointments and humiliations, and no one can twist them and filter them through skewed levels of self hatred like you can to yourself. My mind is so thick with the fog of “everything, but mostly me, is awful” that I can do stupendous acts of doublethink on myself. I called a friend one night totally deranged with all of this. It’s just horrible. All of it is horrible.

This innate self hatred, this will for death, is compounded by the guilt I feel burdening others with this. Everyone has their own stuff. I’m not unique. This thought, along with the fact that no one wants people they love and admire to think that they’re “crazy”, doesn’t really incline me to be open about it in the moment. Luckily for me I’ve got well informed, loving friends. I’m very fortunate to have them and my own way of dealing with this, it means that (so far) I’ve emerged from these spells relatively unscathed.

In terms of treatment – well, nothing has worked better for me than a process of learning to rationalise it, and exercise. Exercise is key. I’ve been on anti-depressants and found them unbelievably unhelpful – when it took the bad thoughts away it also robbed me of the capacity for joy, or any pleasant feelings. I’ve become very pragmatic about the whole thing; there is no secret trauma eating away at me, my life is good, it’s social, I have good friends, I like my job. I see it purely as a chemical deficiency, or an inability to regulate levels of serotonin.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

Experiences of depression: "It leaves you on the cliff edge of sanity"

Kids on the Edge review – an antidote to the hysteria around gender identity

What a timely programme Kids on the Edge: The Gender Clinic (Channel 4) has proven itself to be. The first of a three-part series that will look at the mental health of children in the UK, this episode focuses in on the work of the Tavistock and Portman NHS Trust’s gender identity development services in London. These services are now greatly in demand: the clinic has gone from 40 referrals a year a decade ago to 1,400 in 2015. This rapid expansion of parents seeking help and advice has, depressingly, led to a kind of small-scale hysteria in recent times about what it means when children might be trans, bringing with it rabid front pages about them being “damaged” or “confused” by a TV show featuring a transgender character, for example.

I hope the people who rage about such things might also find the time to watch The Gender Clinic, which does a steady job of dismantling many of the panicked, inaccurate fears around what is clearly a complex process. In it, we follow two families discussing the possibility of hormone blockers for their children, which would pause puberty until, in time, a bigger decision can be made. There is Ashley, a headstrong young girl who was born a boy called Ashton, and her mum Terri, who is attempting to keep her daughter safe from bullying at school. And there is Matilda, who has an autistic spectrum disorder and whose gender identity is less defined, though by the end of the programme he is Matt at school. Rachel, Matt’s mother, is supportive but terrified of making the wrong decision for her child in either direction.

As a documentary, this is courageous enough to do what online discussion is often incapable of: explore the subtleties that get lost in the vicious polemics that can dominate the public reporting of such stories. Part of its effectiveness is down to director Peter Beard, who approaches the families with an obvious tenderness. He tells Terri – who is wondering whether to move the whole family again, to better serve Ash’s needs – that “there’s no instruction manual, is there?” His way with the kids is easy and kind. To get to the heart of what Ash is going through, he asks a simple question, made all the more devastating by the response. “What would be the best thing ever?” he asks her, as she plays. “Not being how I am,” she replies, casually, still playing.

It does not shy away from the trickier parts of the picture. Consultant psychiatrist Polly Carmichael explains that often, people are seeking certainty, and the reality is that in the case of hormone blockers, there is no certainty; research in this area is not far-reaching yet. The Tavistock’s staff sit cautiously in the middle of the many areas of debate. She talks about the impact of social media on young people seeking answers or reassurance. Ash, who declares that she will go to Sweden to get a womb transplant and then have a caesarian, Googles everything, says her mother. Carmichael says her patients understand the ideas but not the implications. Part of her role is to explain that “physical intervention is not the panacea to all things”.

There is a grotesque exaggeration perpetuated by some that the doctors and psychiatrists who treat children questioning their identities are trigger-happy gender-abolitionists, ready to strike every tomboy with a shot of testosterone if they so much as hint at cropping their hair. The reality is that the Tavistock’s team are articulate and circumspect. They deal with impossibly tough situations with a gentle level-headedness. This documentary makes clear that when a child is referred to their care, the process is thorough, considered and done in the best interests of both the child and the family.

What contributes to the wider hysteria about gender identity (a hysteria that can be fatal; I am thinking of the death of Lucy Meadows, the teacher who killed herself in 2013 after her gender reassignment became national news) is, in part, a desperate lack of empathy and knowledge. In showing its complicated workings, in showing that professional decisions may take in many different voices over many years, in telling stories that correct misconceptions simply by giving them a human face, perhaps The Gender Clinic might start to redress the balance. Carmichael ends the documentary by admitting that, right now, this is “an evolving picture”. But, she says, she knows one thing: that the young people who have taken this route feel it was right for them.

Kids on the Edge review – an antidote to the hysteria around gender identity

Having sex with the lights off? It"s the thin edge of the Donald Trump wedge | Bridie Jabour

Last week I had a package delivered to my desk containing a lightbulb suggesting I may prefer to have sex with it on because it is dimmer than the average bulb.

It was not a piece of fanmail, but a PR push that began with “research” about how many women felt self conscious about their body during sex.

“We hope this helps you start seeing yourself in a new light – to love how you look and love how you feel,” it said.

The product it was promoting? Weight loss. Specifically, Weight Watchers.

First the weight loss industry came for our enjoyment of the beach intoning “bikini body” from the last day of winter onwards, and now they are coming for the bedroom.

I was inclined to tweet a photo and forget about it. But a week later I am still getting furious responses from women, a visceral reaction which shows this is still something women want to talk about … despite it being something they are sick of talking about.

Bridie Jabour (@bkjabour)

How many people thought this was an okay idea before it arrived on my desk as a piece of PR pic.twitter.com/7tH37yyqsS

October 14, 2016

This wasn’t just one of the numerous petty insults we are used to every day but something that was thought out for months, strategised, okayed by multiple people.

What is there to be said about weight loss campaigns that hasn’t already been said? Reams have already been written. We know insecurities are exploited for financial gain.

We know there is a relentless and unrealistic pressure put on women to look a certain way from when they were girls.

We know that more often than not, the product being sold just doesn’t work. Women either do not lose weight, or a much smaller number lose the weight and then discover all of their problems are not solved by being thin.

And yet, it is 2016 and I am still receiving a lightbulb in the mail suggesting I might prefer to have sex with the lights off for fear that my partner might, shockingly, see my body.

It’s almost embarrassing to have to write such an obvious point – overweight people enjoy sex, it is not just the domain of the thin. But this campaign isn’t just saying overweight people may not be inclined to show their bodies, it’s also saying any woman could, and perhaps should, be self-conscious taking her clothes off.

No matter your size you are susceptible to this campaign, whether you think you should lose 10kg, 30kg, or 2.5kg there is something in here for everyone. It’s not just about being overweight, it’s about every woman who has ever wished something about their body was different. Which is pretty much all women.

It’s so boring.

This is the thin edge of the Donald Trump wedge, the insidious everyday misogynistic messaging we are telegraphed about how we should look, how it matters. It is the other end of the sexism spectrum to Trump who trumpets it, says bluntly: “She is a fat piglet.”

If there is any silver lining, it is that more and more women are not putting up with this any more. Trump is actually losing votes over his comments and treatment of women. Weight Watchers was forced to respond to the backlash – it hasn’t pulled the campaign but Weight Watchers’ senior marketing manager, Rebecca Melville, conceded it could cause offence.

“We launched in stages and that has fuelled the conversation without context,” she told Mumbrella.

What context do we need? We already know the context: the company commissions the research that says we have a problem with our bodies during sex and, surprise, that company has the product to solve our problem.

It feels like we are stuck in this infinite loop, doomed to keep trying to tell the world our bodies are fine, we are fine.

We are tired. Tired of the commentary on how desirable we are, tired of being warned about summer bodies, tired of being told hair removal and makeup is a statement no matter what our decision on it. We’re tired of all that because there are so many more interesting things we could be talking and thinking about. We have better things to do.

Having sex with the lights off? It"s the thin edge of the Donald Trump wedge | Bridie Jabour

Scientists edge closer to creating effective Zika virus vaccine

Scientists have edged closer to an effective Zika virus vaccine after demonstrating that three different formulations can protect monkeys from the disease.

The results suggest that the virus can be repelled by even low levels of immunity and have boosted confidence that a viable vaccine for humans is on the horizon.

Tests on 16 animals found that all three experimental vaccines offered complete protection against Zika infection one month later, though how long the protection could last for remains an urgent question for longer-term trials.

“We don’t want to overstate it, but we hope for protection that is long-lasting,” said Dan Barouch, who co-led the studies at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. “Ideally we’d have protection induced by a single shot vaccine or a two shot vaccine and for that to last for years.”

When vaccinated, the animals churned out antibodies that were more than sufficient to overwhelm the virus.

The Zika virus has swept through Latin America and left behind a trail of birth defects, such as microcephaly, which causes children to be born with small heads. This week, Florida reported the first US cases of local transmission of Zika virus. All previous cases were in people who had travelled to affected regions.

Of the three vaccines tested by Barouch and others, the most conventional and ready for development is a whole, killed Zika virus, which is being pursued by the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research in Maryland.

The other two vaccines are more novel. In one, a single and harmless Zika virus gene is stitched into a loop of DNA. When injected into the body, cells take up the DNA loop and from it produce Zika proteins that trigger an immune response against them.

The third and final vaccine adds the Zika virus gene to a harmless adenovirus. This behaves like a Trojan horse and smuggles the DNA into cells, which then produce antibodies to wipe out the whole virus.

No DNA or adenovirus vaccines have been approved for use in humans before, but clinical trials are underway. The vaccine based on the whole, killed virus will go into human trials this autumn.

Barouch said the findings increase optimism that a safe and effective human vaccine against Zika virus might be successful. “Our data encourage the development of these vaccines in clinical trials as quickly as possible,” he said. Details are reported in the journal Science.

Gavin Screaton, an immunologist at Imperial College London, said the results were “positive early steps”, but whether the vaccines will work in humans and offer long term protection against Zika must still be determined. “A human response will need to last years to be useful,” he said.

Despite the encouraging progress, the path to a viable vaccine in humans may not be straightforward. Recent work by Screaton’s group found that previous exposure to dengue virus could potentially make Zika infections more serious. If the opposite holds too, as some researchers suspect, a vaccine that floods the body with antibodies against Zika virus could make common dengue infections life-threatening.

The problem arises because Zika and dengue, which both belong to a group called flaviviruses, are so similar at the genetic level. This can confuse the immune system. Should a person catch dengue and later catch Zika virus, their body may attempt to fight off Zika with “old” antibodies raised against dengue. Rather than overwhelming the Zika virus, the antibodies might simply draw them into cells and cause the infection to take hold more quickly. Known as cross-reactivity, this raises a second potential hurdle: a person who has fought off dengue or similar flavivirus infections may have antibodies that destroy the Zika vaccine before it has had time to work.

Another issue scientists face comes from the natural immunity people will acquire to Zika as the infection spreads through the population. When people are already immune to a virus, it can be very hard to tell whether a vaccine on trial is helping to protect them.

“Whilst these vaccine studies are promising there are some really important questions that need to be addressed,” said Jonathan Ball, professor of molecular virology at the University of Nottingham.

Scientists edge closer to creating effective Zika virus vaccine

On The Cutting Edge of Viral

News aggregator sites abound, from progressive Upworthy and BuzzFeed  to conservative Independent Journal Assessment. An optimistic newcomer called The Mighty has a comparable really feel, but without the politically-tinged undercurrent. Feel Viral Nova meets Chicken Soup For The Soul.

CEO and co-founder Mike Porath worked for retailers like MSNBC, ABC News, BUZZMEDIA and served as editor-in-chief of AOL AOL News. He poached Megan Griffo from The Huffington Post “Good News” part and now prospects a workers of eight–some unpaid–for the self-funded launch this month.

Five many years ago, following Porath and his wife have been stunned to find out their unborn daughter had a rare chromosome disorder known as Dup15q syndrome and their son was later born without having a kidney, their lives took a turn toward better empathy. Their internet site tells stories of people dealing with dramatic mental or physical tribulations, everything from Boston marathon bombing survivors to hospital-stricken kids visualizing their dreams to a tap dancer who lost his leg to cancer but didn’t hang up his shoes. Though the site’s brand new, the founders hope The Mighty will expand an natural support community about articles.

The internet site does not have considerably original reporting but so far it is largely aggregation from YouTube and elsewhere, even though Porath said they will produce a lot more enterprise articles, convinced its viral nature will quickly make their site profitable.

“So a lot of of the stories men and women read through every single day are throwaway stories,” Porath explained. “What men and women will uncover on The Mighty are takeaway stories. They remain with you and depart an influence. We’re proud of that.”

The Mighty is partnering with nonprofits, permitting the charities to have their beneficiaries’ stories told (along with receiving a portion of future ad income) and providing The Mighty new people to highlight and expand traffic.

“Non-earnings do some items extremely, quite nicely,” Porath stated. “They function with researchers and scientists in ways that media companies would truly struggle to do so. They fundraise well …  But most nonprofits are not specifically robust in storytelling. I feel stories are one of the biggest assets that nonprofits have. One opportunity we have is to aid these non-income inform stories of the folks in their local community, and they are incredibly proud. Individuals stories so rarely get out to the public.”

I met Porath through the Robert Novak Journalism fellowship, which is funded by political conservatives, however Porath is quick to level out he’s also been on workers at the liberal The New York Occasions. He says the website will be strictly apolitical and focused entirely on these overall health-associated stories and aims to depend solely on ad revenue. Porath sent analysis showing that adverts running alongside well being-related articles is the most lucrative group of on the internet promoting, as measured by Price per mille (CPM), or price per thousand. He hopes The Mighty will strike a rewarding niche even though simultaneously inspiring readers.

Alexis Sobel Fitts, an assistant editor at Columbia Journalism Evaluation, has studied the viral nature of Upworthy, what Porath calls The Mighty‘s most frequent comparison. Fitts’ in-depth analysis of the Upworthy technique demonstrates the progressive site’s success (~49 million web page views in the past month, according to audience measuring company Quantcast) is fueled by repackaging content with curiosity-piquing headlines (writers must produce 25 various headline options for every piece prior to publication) that are tested on target groups just before going dwell. Upworthy personnel also tailor the headlines for different social media platforms and modify their content material primarily based on actual-time data analytics.

Fitts stated The Mighty’s organization model (which Porath sketched out and provided me beneath) fits effectively with academic research by Jonah Berger and Katherine Milkman from Wharton Business College at the University of Pennsylvania. They discovered that “good content is more viral than adverse content, but the connection in between emotion and social transmission is far more complex than valence alone. Virality is partially driven by physiological arousal. Articles that evokes high-arousal optimistic (awe) or damaging (anger or nervousness) feelings is a lot more viral.”

“They’re focusing on much more positive stories, which are much more probably to be shared,” Fitts stated. “And overall health stories, at their worst, can be incredibly volatile and concern-inducing.”

Porath acknowledges not all of The Mighty is come to feel-good.

“Some of these stories have fantastic endings, and some of them are heartbreaking. We’re not just making an attempt to package minor stories that all have content endings,” Porath stated. “We’re truly making an attempt to genuinely display what individuals do when they are faced with adversity.”

On The Cutting Edge of Viral

Individual Trainers: Get the Aggressive Edge

Guest Author: Katherine Flowers of BodyTrack

Working out with out a person to guide you can be quite demanding. You may well be attempting to encourage and push oneself more each day without having seeing any progress on the scale or without bettering your physique and fitness level. If you want to get far more from your exercise, a personal trainer can propel you towards your purpose.  Let’s look at some of the reasons you need to have 1.

Get the results you want and deserve

For a fortunate few men and women, all it takes to achieve a body shape or fat goal is to present up at the gymnasium.  They adhere to a distinct schedule they believe will help them increase their bodily effectively currently being. Nevertheless, they may possibly not understand the ineffectiveness of their exercises and could comprehend they haven’t genuinely enhanced in excess of time.

A personal trainer can aid you accomplish all of your fitness goals. Regardless of whether you are searching to shed 10-twenty pounds or achieve muscle mass, trainers can uncover just the appropriate regime for you. They can show you a series of effective cardio actions to shed calories or resistance training to create your muscle tissue.

Place your believe in in a specialist

There are seasoned gymnasium members who can give guidance to newcomers. Their suggestions usually contains work out approaches and other workout routines which they say performs for them. Their declare might be accurate, but there is no way to determine if the same work out they are carrying out will function for you.

Rather, personal trainers are an individual you can believe in with your body and progress at the gymnasium. Before they can work with anyone on their exercises, trainers require to be certified by the state or federal workplace. This qualification and training shows trainers are very best ready to help you achieve a fitness goal.

Professional supervision

The majority of us want someone to present us  if we are on track with our work out. You could never ever know if you are lifting weights or undertaking warm-up exercises accurately. You do not want to hold repeating ineffective or even dangerous errors. Even if there are other gymnasium members existing, they could not have time to watch over you throughout your workout.

Individual trainers are there to give you an on-the-spot feedback for the duration of your exercise. They can see if there are any tactics you are obtaining a tough time with which they can aid you enhance on. If you are nevertheless getting a challenge with a particular instruction exercise, they can supply an appropriate option.

Provides you the edge in physical competitors

Personalized trainers can aid you boost your entire body in purchase to obtain the benefit you need to have in your sport or competition. Specific trainers have studied the most common physical occasions and know which muscle groups are utilized throughout individuals activities. In a marathon, for example, trainers know you require to develop your leg muscle tissue even though enhancing your stamina reserves. In buy to improve your physique for a physical competitors, trainers will offer an effective exercise strategy specific to that sports activities demands. This will support you target distinct physique elements to improve on.

Assists you grow to be confident and concise in bettering your entire body

Personal trainers will not just display you how to increase your entire body, they can educate you how to do it on your own. Trainers are effective teachers in making sure you are capable to practice the approaches they supply you. In reality, they can even help you in turning into a bodily trainer your self.

Getting a private trainer can advantage you in the prolonged run than striving to do it on your very own. For more information, organize a meeting with a trainer in your spot these days.  Make positive the trainer you select has excellent credentials, suitable certifications and a listing of happy consumers as referrals.

 Healthy Blessings,

Sandy

Recommended Studying: Anatomy for Strength and Fitness Instruction

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Individual Trainers: Get the Aggressive Edge