My teenage cousin is having a crisis, but her mother won’t get her the help she needs

My cousin is 16, and apparently going through a crisis. She hates college, skips classes and has spoken to my grandmother often of hating her life and not enjoying anything any more. My grandmother is in bits about this and has tried to talk to my cousin’s mother, her daughter, about getting her some help. However, my aunt’s response has been, “She’s not going to turn out mental like the rest of you people.” (Other members of the family, including me and my grandmother, have had mental health problems.)

My cousin enjoys watching videos and playing video games, but her parents have banned them and see them as an example of her laziness. She is not sleeping either, so her constant exhaustion is taken as yet more evidence of laziness.

What terrifies me is that this is what my mother did to me, and I can only see it getting worse. When I began self-harming in my teens, my mum also banned me from my one hobby, screamed at me when I had a panic attack and slapped me when she found out I had self-harmed.

I had problems with substance abuse and dropped out of school. I moved away from home as soon as I could.

I am now in my mid-20s, and not close to anyone in my family apart from my grandmother. I have now moved somewhere else and, although I don’t see my parents, I am in contact with them. I haven’t seen my cousin for a few years and have no contact details for her. Anyway, I am not sure how, “Hi, I know we haven’t spoken in years but you remind me of me” would go down. I am trying to help my grandmother find a way to talk to my aunt in a manner that won’t enrage her, but my grandmother is a very non-confrontational person and, as much as she is trying to help my cousin, having to confront my aunt has only resulted in my grandmother being screamed at and threatened with losing contact with her grandchild.

I don’t know how to help my grandmother or my cousin, but I feel as if I have to do something, or history may repeat itself.

That you have come so far from a very toxic and unsupportive environment is incredible and a real credit to your strength of character.

It is great that you are so caring about your cousin and grandmother, but I think there is a lot of over-identifying going on. Your cousin doesn’t sound as if she is in a great place, but the facts pertaining to her were thin. The rest of your letter was about your experiences within the family and your fears of what might happen. I am not trying to minimise how you feel, or what is happening in the slightest – but the key is to separate the different strands so you can work on the right bits at the right time.

I consulted Stuart Hannah, a child and adolescent psychotherapist (childpsychotherapy.org.uk), who said: “The news about your cousin is filtered through your grandmother, via her daughter [your aunt].”

News filtered through people who have their own agenda or narratives can get distorted and then there is less likelihood of anyone getting the help and support that is right for them.

I disagree that it is not worth contacting your cousin: I think you should get in touch. Sure, if you go in there with “you remind me of me” that may not be conducive to further communication. But if you make a different sort of contact, more of a general “hi”, and see what happens, that may be really helpful to her in time (don’t expect miracles straight away). After all, you are not that much older than her, a mere decade, and you share a grandmother. There should be lots of other things to talk about so she feels she has someone to talk to if she feels like it – so it’s about her agenda, not anyone else’s.

It sounds as if you have a lot of issues you haven’t dealt with yourself and I wonder if you have some support (apart from your grandmother). If you do, you could come at this situation with less of your own baggage and would be better able to support your grandmother.

I don’t know what the conversations with your grandmother are like, but Hannah counsels: “How can you offer [your grandmother] something different? Something that isn’t judgmental or blaming [that she seems to get from her daughter]. You can listen from a neutral place. Don’t go down the slagging-off route [if you do], and suspend judgment of family members. If you can hear your grandmother’s experience, that may in turn help her listen to her daughter.”

Being empathic is great – however, if we over-identify with a situation (and both you and your grandmother might be), then the danger is, when we hear about something similar we can start to overlay our own experiences on to this new situation. This stops us seeing what is really going, and it imbues everything with extra emotion.

I think, given everything you have said, there is an element of trying to save your younger self, and that’s laudable, but there is a limit to how much you can do. You may also find this website helpful:

Youngminds.org.uk

Your problems solved

Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU, or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB

My teenage cousin is having a crisis, but her mother won’t get her the help she needs

A letter to … My wonderful mother, who drank herself to death

I hate it when people who didn’t know you ask me how you died. As soon as I tell them you were an alcoholic, I know exactly the kinds of thoughts running through their heads. That one word conjures a vivid, stereotypical picture. You were violent. You were neglectful. You weren’t a good mother. I had a horrible childhood. You damaged me.

But that’s not how it was. You were a wonderful mother and I had a golden childhood. You gave me everything a child needs and more. You loved me, supported me, invested your time and money in me and cultivated a deep mother-daughter bond between us. I miss waking up in the middle of the night to find you kneeling by my bed and stroking my hair. I miss the way you took care of me when I was ill. I miss your cuddles and kisses and the strong, heady scent of your expensive perfume.

You really did lead a charmed life. You were married to a good man who provided for you and took care of you. You were never short of money, attention or love. You were the life and soul of the party and people flocked around you. You were strikingly beautiful and unfailingly kind. From the outside, you had it all.

When you were drunk you became nasty and spat out horrible, unforgivable words. It wasn’t like you at all

Yet appearances can be deceptive. You weren’t happy and it’s taken a long time for me to understand why. You always said you loved me more than I could ever understand and you would die for me. But then you did die and it wasn’t for me.

When you started drinking, it was a bit funny. “Oh, Mum’s drunk again,” we would giggle at parties, as you stumbled around talking nonsense. As the years rolled on, it became increasingly less funny. You changed beyond recognition and when you were drunk you became nasty and spat out horrible, unforgivable words. It wasn’t like you at all. I became accustomed to compartmentalising my feelings – the love and respect I had for my mum and the fear and loathing I had of this drunken stranger.

Things progressed badly and the drunken stranger took the steering wheel. My beloved mum gave up the fight. Your marriage fell apart and you lost your home. You were irreparably broken. I was young and selfish and, more importantly, I understood nothing of life or loss.

I’ve spent many years feeling guilty because I didn’t do more to help you. If this happened today, things would be very different. I’m a mother now and used to putting others before myself. I know what I should have done to understand you and help you. If only I could turn back time and be the daughter I should have been, perhaps you would still be alive today. At the time, I did nothing except feel sorry for myself. I blamed you. I was at a loss to understand what you had to be so deeply unhappy about. You had a perfect life and you chucked it all away.

Today, I see you with the compassion of a fellow mother and wife. Life experience has provided me with valuable perspective as to how you really felt. I am able to piece together all the little clues you subconsciously gave me until I can see the whole picture. I have suffered some heart-breaking losses, the first of which was you.

I used to be angry with you for hurting me and then leaving me. I then spent many years feeling guilty and blaming myself for your demise. Finally, I am now able to disentangle myself from all these feelings and treat everyone involved in your story with compassion. If I could have just two minutes with you today, I would take both your hands in mine and say: “I love you and I understand.” Anonymous

We’d love to hear your stories

• We will pay £25 for every Letter to (please write about 600-700 words), Playlist, Snapshot or We Love to Eat we publish. Write to Family Life, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email family@theguardian.com. Please include your address and phone number. We are only able to reply to those whose contributions we are going to use

A letter to … My wonderful mother, who drank herself to death

I worry I can"t be a good mother and a good doctor

I leave the house of my first home visit of the day – a middle aged businessman – and walk back to my car. I recall the heat of his skin on my hand, his yellow, sunken cheeks, his racing pulse.

An ambulance is on its way – I opted for the semi-urgent type, the type that comes within two hours, the type for people who are quite sick but not very sick. I wonder whether I should have chosen the very sick type, the one that races down the road, flashing blue lights and all.

A message lights up the screen of my phone – “I’ve found a button in her poo.”

I often ask myself the question: is it really possible to be a great doctor and a hands-on mother? I’m not sure it is

I think now of my two-year-old daughter. I picture her careering around the room at playgroup, biscuit hanging from her mouth and dribble falling from her chin. Then come the usual worries: is she really enjoying playgroup; is the childminder overly strict with her; does she eat too many biscuits and did she really eat a button? If I’ve chosen to be out at work, do I even have any right to tell the childminder how to look after her? At that age, maybe my daughter doesn’t even know I’m not there.

Back at the surgery, the waiting room begins to fill. Swimming round my head is an endless list of things I need to do that I will never have time to do: the patient cases I should be writing up, the audit I need to conduct, the extra out-of-hours shifts I must work, the exam I need to prepare for – all in order to complete my GP training. I try to forget the morning’s events so that I can prepare for the afternoon ahead. It’s important to give each patient the best version of me.

My pregnant bump presses against the edge of my desk and I feel the familiar kick in the ribs from the one inside. As if she’s saying: “Remember I’m in here, Mummy.”

I have just one week left before I go on maternity leave. I plan to take a year off and then return to work part-time. Already I am wondering how it will be possible for me to do this. It’s not that I don’t want to go back – I love my job – it’s just that I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do for my family. The cost of putting two children in childcare and the worry that I will miss out on their early years are my main concerns. Alongside this, the fact that I am still training means that I have extra work to do outside of my already very busy job. But if I don’t finish my training, all the years of work I’ve done will go to waste.

I often ask myself the question: is it really possible to be a great doctor and a hands-on mother? Personally I’m not sure it is – I feel like I am continually striving to achieve the impossible and never feel satisfied that I am doing either job well. To be a good doctor I need to invest time in keeping my knowledge up to date but simultaneously my two-year-old needs to be the focus of my attention. I know I am in a position of privilege; I have choices women historically would never have had and (potentially) a very rewarding career ahead of me, but it all feels too much.

It’s a dilemma women up and down the country face – to work, to stay at home or to do a bit of both. I have one friend who feels that it is important for her daughter to see her going out to work every day so that she can aspire to the same. I have another who has given up her career to be at home with her child.

For now I have decided that the best way for me is to accept things as they are, to manage my expectations of what I can achieve at both home and work and hope everything works out all right in the long run. I will try my best to forget work on the days I spend at home and to trust that my children are in good hands on the days that I’m not.

That evening, as I try to convince my two-year-old that her princess dress isn’t really suitable attire for bed, I think again of the yellowness of that man’s skin and the look of desperation in his wife’s eyes. I promise my daughter we’ll go for ice-cream in the morning if she will just let me put her pyjamas on. After all, I know only too well that life is short.

If you would like to write a blogpost for Views from the NHS frontline, read our guidelines and get in touch by emailing sarah.johnson@theguardian.com.

Join the Healthcare Professionals Network to read more pieces like this. And follow us on Twitter (@GdnHealthcare) to keep up with the latest healthcare news and views.

I worry I can"t be a good mother and a good doctor

The Report from Iron Mountain Leads Back to the Mother of All Deep Underground Bases

Looking into the context of history can be instructive to realize the importance of locations and legends from the past. Only to learn what the future may hold. Sometimes these artifacts of history come in the form of myths routed in reality and steeped in mystery with no definitive point of origin. Often these stories live on long after they have been marginalized as is the case with the Report from Iron Mountain. An urban legend crops up in the public consciousness that persists only because of it’s relevance and accuracy. A publication as controversial as the Report from Iron Mountain, an admitted satire by it’s author Leonard Lewin, could evoke such mystery. A statement of the research put out by cold war think tanks? A prototype Agenda21 white paper?

Originally setting out to profile the document itself only to find the real story behind the legend. There has been so much written about this document it could easily fill ten books. This publication’s origin may be in doubt. It’s namesake certainly isn’t.

Iron Mountain. What is not in doubt is secretive nature of the original locations that bear it’s name. Few articles detail their significance and never painting a full picture. Today the company is the one of the largest physical item and data storage corporations in the world. Now with hundreds of locations. Underground and above ground. The largest and most well known being in Boyers, P.A. tunneled 220 feet underground. Where Sony and Orbis corporations store music records and film. Among many other data storage clients. Another well known underground bunker is in Greenfield, Rhode Island. It can withstand a direct hit by a 5-megaton nuclear bomb. These were acquired by Iron Mountain years after the Report from Iron Mountain surfaced.

Supplying the storage needs for 90% of the Fortune 1000 corporations in physical records and data storage. As well as records disposal in both paper and electronic data form. Performing a valuable and needed service for business and government. In no way is this article implying any nefarious purpose to any of these locations. Only to inform the reader of this fascinating history in relation to the Report from Iron Mountain and it’s context to today. It is no secret that Iron Mountain stores almost anything for the largest clients.

Including their top people in time of nuclear war or natural disaster. This is an attempt to geolocate the only two facilities in operation by Iron Mountain around the time the document was produced. In doing so this reveals a story that is perhaps more interesting and mysterious than the Report from Iron Mountain itself.

[embedded content]

The two original Iron Mountain facilities in operation around the time the Report from Iron Mountain was produced are obscured in legend and by time. This possible origin of the document is lost to history. Even if the document is real or not. More fascinating and verifiable than the Report from Iron Mountain is the geolocation of the place that spawned a legend. Iron Mountain.

In news articles about these facilities when asked locals would often say “Iron Mountain? Never heard of it.” A response a reporter from the Hartford Courant got from locals in 1999. Most are unaware they even exist. Both are on quiet country roads in upstate N.Y. and made to look like nothing out of the ordinary.

The first one is just outside of Germantown N.Y. on the east side of the Hudson River and the second one is at Rosendale N.Y.  30 miles south on the west side of the Hudson River. Hunkered under the Catskill Mountains of New York State half way between New York City and Albany. Next to the Hudson River they are accessible by car, boat or helicopter from New York City. Both deep underground bases are for the elite and their records as well as valuable property. Well away from any nuclear blast zone or resulting radiation. The I.M.A.R ( Iron Mountain at Rosendale) facility has a multi acre heliport on it’s roof that is disguised as a regular field. Where some of the eastern establishment would hide in the event of nuclear war or disaster of any kind.

ORIGINAL IRON MOUNTAIN  42° 9’50.70″N  73°49’48.12″W

424 County Road 10

Germantown N.Y. 12526

This was the original Iron Mountain. An old iron mine purchased in 1936 by Herman Knaust a German-American entrepreneur. Originally using the old mine to grow mushrooms and store records. Helping relocate Jewish immigrants who had lost their identities after WW2. Knaust officially founded Iron Mountain in 1951 as Iron Mountain Atomic Storage, Inc to store valuables and records for Manhattan Banks and elite clients. Knaust eventually sold the company and it became the huge corporation of today. This bunker contains fallout shelters, built by Iron Mountain for executives from Exxon, Shell, and other large corporations. Just one of the facilities having a sixty-five room hotel, each with a private bath, and a large dining room with chandelier and a commercial kitchen. Your average size Holliday Inn is around 70 rooms and that’s a pretty big building. Imagine several of them underground. That’s just the bunker section. A piece in the New Yorker magazine called The Many Lives of Iron Mountain in 2013 quotes Bill Mesick who manages the two underground facilities.

In the sixties and early seventies, Mesick said, people sometimes slept in the mine: it contained fallout shelters, built and maintained by Iron Mountain for executives from Exxon, Shell, and other big companies. One especially elaborate shelter, he said, had sixty-five hotel rooms, each with a private bath, and a large cafeteria with a commercial kitchen; in the mid-century-modern bedrooms, curtains obscured the concrete. According to Mesick, in the event of nuclear war, some executives, along with their families, would have been evacuated by helicopter from New York City. “They’d hired local folks to tend to them, to cook for them, to clean for them,” Mesick told me. “Their idea was to wait out the storm while the debris and radioactivity were going on overhead—then they were going to come out and sell oil to everyone who was left.” Every now and then, Mesick recalled, the executives would run a “live exercise”—essentially, they’d come and hang out for the weekend

The original 95 acre Iron Mountain is seven levels deep and has 220 sections between 200 and 40,000 square feet in size. Exxon Mobil leased a 3 level 200,000 square foot bunker for 16 years here. Having live exercises every couple of months for decades under this sleepy upstate village. All in relative secrecy. The last corporate client supposedly left in 1999 . Leaving behind what manager Bill Mesick would only say was a “large utility”. Why would the elite be consistently having these live exercises 10 years after the cold war supposedly ended? Do they know something we don’t? 

Sounds like a great place to come up with dystopian plans for the future of mankind on a weekend retreat. Mabey this was part of Leonard Lewin‘s satire to use such a place as the setting for his book. Possibly leading readers to this location and it’s part in history. If the Report from Iron Mountain was real it would be hard to imagine a better place to produce it.

It is stories such as these that have led to the legend of secret underground bases where the elite would hide in case of Armageddon. Spawning characters such as Dr. Stangelove believing in the survivability of nuclear war. Rand Corporation analyst Herman Kahn of the Hudson Institute, down the Hudson River, was one of the people the character was based on.  The famous Rockefeller Estate Kykuit is just 50 miles away in Sleepy Hollow, NY down the Hudson River. A short helicopter ride. They were the major executives of Exxon. Would they have gone to Iron Mountain if things got bad enough? This should give some indication of the serious nature of the elite’s obsession with protecting themselves and their valuables. Planning for the worst case scenario is just another form of insurance to the rich. If the poorer classes prepare as best they can for such events they are labeled as crazy. The Hudson Valley is full with the estates of the rich and famous. Some of them would head to these facilities in times of crisis. Also note you will not find the Original Germantown facility listed on Google Earth or Google maps. Use a Bing search an it comes right up. Even the YellowPages has it but not Google.

The original facility is supposedly only used for storage now. Do you really think the bunker section is now closed at the original location? A defunct cold war relic as portrayed by the Iron Mountain corporation. A place where Thirstan Howle the 3rd would have rode out the apocalypse in the 60s or 70s but no more. Think again. Whether the original bunkers are closed or not.

Most of the action has moved 30 miles south across the Hudson River to the I.M.A.R  (Iron Mountain at Rosendale). A state of the art deep underground base the size of a small city. The I.M.A.R ( Iron Mountain at Rosendale) bunker facilities are still very operational.

IRON MOUNTAIN   IMAR  41°51’3.02″N  74° 5’17.76″W

694 Binnewater Road

Kingston N.Y. 12401

The I.M.A.R. Deep Underground Base has been operational since the early 60s. This as well could have been the fabled origin of Report from Iron Mountain.  Iron Mountain at Rosendale is a state of the art underground base measuring one mile from north and south entrance and over a half mile wide. How many levels deep the facility goes is not clear. Originally a natural limestone cement mine. It has been turned into something the size of a small city underground . Most locals are unaware of the importance of this location. On the more official side of things. White non descript vans with blacked out windows bearing the classic blue pyramid logo of Iron Mountain come and go. Carrying almost any imaginable physical record or item in need of storage or disposal. When asked most think it is an abandoned cement mine adjacent to a nature preserve.

The retaining walls of the old cement kiln serve as the basis for structures burrowed into the mountain. Slightly newer walls made of the same limestone are visible at the south entrance a mile away. South entrance is a multi door entry. The bunker is complete with roads an 18 wheeler can drive through and actual street signs so deliveries don’t get lost. A huge grass heliport sits atop the compound, nicely manicured to look like a regular field. With a road from the top of the bunker to the south entrance. Awaiting it’s human cargo by helicopter in case of disaster. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Power lines obviously feed into the complex and there is an access road from the helicopter pad to the south entrance. A high fence surrounds the place. Unmarked Security patrols the base in white non descript cars. Posted signs and cameras are at every turn. A dozen fresh water semi trucks periodically deliver at the south entrance. Google Earth aerial view does not show the trucks but street view does. Meaning the trucks come and go and are not just parked there for storage. All indications that more than data and old musty records are being stored down there.

An article in 2016 by Business Insider featured photos of the inside of the Iron Mountain at the Rosendale I.M.A.R. location from the 2013 New Yorker piece. Needless to say it is a large facility. The client list and associated infrastructure are closely guarded and security is tight. Exactly what they have down there is a secret. This was the only time the I.M.A.R. facility has ever been photographed from the inside. Judging by some of the pictures it confirms there are large accommodations for the elite in case of disaster. Underground hotels in this location as well. Once again several of your average sized Holliday Inns bunkered underground. Who knows how many or what resources are down there? Stored along side the more mundane objects that are the official story. One wonders if the first Iron Mountain bunkers were abandoned at all? No one knows what to believe because it is all secret.

Because there is no local advertising, not many Germantown residents know that the facility exists. Asked by a visitor where Iron Mountain was, a local gas station attendant said, “Iron Mountain? Never heard of it.”

“We like it that way — it’s part of the security,” Mesick said

Hiding in plain site as a dual use facility is the best way to hide large projects. As is the case with most Deep Underground Bases. Perhaps this why Leonard Lewin used one of these two locations as the backdrop for the Report from Iron Mountain. Leading the reader to this enigmatic place.

Visit RaptormanReports for news, science, and history

Sources:

http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/iron_mountain_full.htm

http://www.ironmountain.com/About-Us/History.aspx

http://www.newyorker.com/business/currency/the-many-lives-of-iron-mountain

https://www.yellowpages.com/listings/512787432/directions

http://www.businessinsider.com/inside-iron-mountains-storage-facility-2016-1/#today-a-majority-of-the-items-stored-are-in-the-form-of-paper-documents-or-tapes-in-the-70s-and-80s-however-the-space-hosted-more-interesting-valuables-including-musical-instruments-antiques-and-celebrity-memorabilia-an-art-collector-even-stored-many-of-her-paintings-here-at-the-same-time-executives-from-some-major-companies–exxon-and-shell-for-example–built-sometimes-elaborate-fallout-shelters-in-the-mine-where-they-would-stay-in-the-event-a-nuclear-war-broke-out-1

http://articles.courant.com/1999-02-22/news/9902220101_1_vaults-secrets-of-iron-mountain-facility-s-managers

The Report from Iron Mountain Leads Back to the Mother of All Deep Underground Bases

"I loved and hated her in equal measure" – life with an alcoholic mother

It’s two-and-a-half years since I lost my mum to alcohol. At the time I was 21 and she was 49. It was a bitter yet inevitable end to a battle with a drug that had gradually increased its merciless grip on her over many years. Ashamed as I am to admit this, her death brought momentary relief. I had suddenly been liberated from an all-consuming anxiety; I wasn’t waiting to be called with yet more bad news. I wasn’t dreading talking to a mother whom I loved and hated in equal measure, whose wildly erratic state left me unsure of how to address her, what to say. Yet a harrowing period of depression quickly ensued, and I once again found myself doing what life as the child of an alcoholic had made me an expert of: concealing my true feelings and putting on a brave face.

My family had for years grieved for the woman and the life we knew before she became the puppet of a drug. A deafening silence haunted our house when Mum was drunk. Nobody spoke as she staggered around; as she sat at the dinner table barely able to spoon food into her mouth; as she attempted to engage you in fruitless, incomprehensible conversation. Instead we hoped to navigate the fragile situation just long enough for her to fall asleep or for the drunken monster that inhibited her to take its leave.

Chaos frequently reigned. Bitter words were hurled back and forth until both parties were so absorbed by regret and guilt that silence could once again rule, choking us all.

I resolved at the time of my mum’s death to speak openly about her alcoholism because I can’t bear to be complicit in the silence surrounding the issue. Between 2004-14, alcohol-related deaths in England rose by a staggering 13%. My loss is irretrievable, but others can be prevented, and starting a conversation around alcoholism is the first step in changing the national attitude towards this pandemic.

​It is only by reaching out to the children of alcoholics that we can hope to definitively break the cycle of addiction

Though the plight of alcoholics is awful – the demonisation by society (medical professionals included), cuts to mental health services, the ready availability of the drug … the list goes on – often overlooked are the struggles faced by their children. According to a report by the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (Nacoa), children of alcoholics are six times more likely to witness domestic violence, five times more likely to develop an eating disorder, three times more likely to consider suicide, two times more likely to commit criminal offences and two times more likely to have difficulties at school. Perhaps most frightening is the indomitable perpetuity of this ravaging plague; children of alcoholics are three times more likely to develop drug or alcohol problems themselves.

As of December 2016, a review by Public Health England suggests the financial burden could be as much as £52bn per year. This accounts for the cost to the NHS of dealing with alcohol-related illness, alcohol-related crime and the loss of productivity problem drinking engenders. This figure does not, then, account for the money required to combat the multitude of problems that blight the families of alcoholics. No such figure exists because these families remain hidden; the stigma around alcoholism is so great that those affected harbour guilt, embarrassment and shame.

Just as there is no single profile of an alcoholic, there is no single profile of their children. My mother was a successful professional in the NHS, working as an advanced practitioner until four years before her death. She had an infectious character that lit up a room: vivacious, bountiful in love and deeply compassionate. At the time of her death, I was two years into a languages degree. I have since completed this and am now training to become a teacher, largely inspired by the bedrock of stability and normality that school provided me with as a child. I am an “overachiever”.

My record hides a desperate truth, however: the stories of resilience many of us COAs unknowingly share must not be championed as “inspiring”, because then we continue to whitewash a much darker reality and, crucially, fail to get to the crux of the problem.

There is hope for change, however. Following Labour MP Jonathan Ashworth’s frank admission to parliament about his experience as the child of an alcoholic and the urgent need to deal with the wider harm caused by the drug, this month there will be a new strategy to support children of alcoholics (COAs).

Furthermore, the first ever manifesto for children of alcoholics coincided with COA Week and Nacoa’s annual lecture; contains a 10-point plan to help the one in five children affected by alcohol.

Currently, not a single local authority in the UK has a strategy that targets COAs, and neither the social care nor the public health system has developed effective strategies to support them. This manifesto, written by policymakers, medical experts, charities and children of alcoholics, demands that the government appoint a minister responsible for coordinating policy. The third sector must no longer have to take the burden of supporting COAs; as the number of alcohol-related admissions continues to rise, already underfunded drug and alcohol services are seeing further cuts. Local authorities require proper funding to deliver crucial physical and emotional support to children in need.

It is only by reaching out to the children of alcoholics that we can hope to definitively break the cycle of addiction that has a stranglehold upon the nation. By failing to do so – by remaining silent on the matter – we fail them and condemn thousands of children to a miserable fate, while facilitating the very issue we claim as a nation to find so repulsive.

If you would like to write a blogpost for Views from the NHS frontline, read our guidelines and get in touch by emailing sarah.johnson@theguardian.com.

Join the Healthcare Professionals Network to read more pieces like this. And follow us on Twitter (@GdnHealthcare) to keep up with the latest healthcare news and views.

"I loved and hated her in equal measure" – life with an alcoholic mother

Hiring a carer for my mother was a huge learning curve, but help is available

It’s hard to pinpoint the moment we knew we needed to find carers to come and help my mother. That’s the nature of a progressive condition. Symptoms creep up on you, bringing new care needs just when you thought everything was working well.

After struggling with her balance for some time and suffering a series of falls, our mother, Jenny, was initially diagnosed with Parkinson’s around eight years ago in her mid-60s. As new symptoms presented themselves, the diagnosis was changed to progressive supranuclear palsy, which results in difficulty with balance, movement, vision, speech and swallowing.

Since then, my mother – already widowed at the time – my brother and I have tried to navigate the ins and outs of converting her home in Warwickshire and hiring home carers. Everyone’s circumstances are different and I realise we were very lucky in several respects: Jenny had savings and her teacher’s pension to cover some costs and her home was big enough to convert.

With that in mind, here is some of what we have learned along the way.

My mother is in the late stages of this awful condition and living at home with carers coming in from early morning until late at night. We employ four.

The first thing to do is seek advice from those with more experience. We’ve had help from specialist nurses, GPs and charities – specifically the PSP Association. Age UK was also a source of support for converting the house. My mother’s GP was able to point us to what help was available in terms of occupational therapists (for help with grab rails and the right bed), physiotherapists, speech therapists and nutritionists.

When it came to hiring carers, we initially employed some ladies via Age UK to come and do small jobs around the house that were a struggle for Jenny, such as ironing and cooking. When her dogs were still alive, the brilliant Cinnamon Trust set up a roster of volunteer dog-walkers.

As her condition worsened we looked to hire what are generally called “personal assistants”, or PAs – carers that come to your home.

Here again, it is worth looking for outside advice. Social services recommended we get help from a Warwickshire-based group called the Rowan Organisation, which also covers other counties. It has helped, for small fees, with recruiting PAs and with our payroll services. When advertising the roles, it advised us on what you can legally say in a job advert and at interview – for example, you can’t specify someone must be a non-smoker. We used its site and the Gumtree website to post job adverts. The payroll service provides payslips and calculates our tax and national insurance bill.

When directly employing carers, you need employers’ liability insurance to cover you if one of your employees gets ill or injured because of their work. You will need written contracts with each PA, you must adhere to national living wage rules and you may need to put them into a pension scheme under auto-enrolment rules.

When it comes to making a decision about who to hire, remember you will probably need weekend care as well as on weekdays. Carers, like all employees, are entitled to annual leave. Care hours can be unsocial, so you may want more than one carer and to share out the late shifts and weekends. Use the interviews to talk about this.

Carers may need keys to the house and will be alone with your vulnerable relative. So do the right checks and call their referees.

Finally, the costs of care at home are likely to rise with time, and while state support is available in some cases, in the form of continuing care, you cannot be sure you will qualify for it.

In short, there is quite a lot to consider – home care is not the cheapest option and it can all feel very overwhelming at times, leaving little emotional capacity to deal with the illness itself. But help is out there. My biggest takeaway from the whole process? Reach out to experts sooner rather than later.

Hiring a carer for my mother was a huge learning curve, but help is available

"Terrified" mother died after C-section advice dismissed, inquest hears

A mother lost half of her blood and died after midwives disregarded advice that she give birth via a caesarean section, an inquest has heard.

Frances Cappuccini was terrified of giving birth to her second child, according to her husband, and went into hospital in labour apparently certain she wanted the C-section recommended by her consultant obstetrician.

After the procedure was delayed, however, and after a serious error relating to the treatment of her placenta, the 30-year-old bled heavily and died in intensive care.

“Frankie was terrified,” Tom Cappuccini said on Tuesday at the inquest in Gravesend, Kent. “She was very certain she wanted me to make sure she had a C-section on arrival.

“I put my trust and Frankie’s trust in the people that were there. They disregarded previous medical advice and we were made to feel small and insignificant. In hindsight I wish I had never agreed.”

The inquest heard the expectant mother, from Offham in Kent, booked an elected C-section for 10 October 2012 at Tunbridge Wells hospital following an obstetrician’s advice at nearby Maidstone hospital. But she went into labour two days before, arriving at Tunbridge Wells hospital at about 8.30pm, where she explained she did not want a natural birth or epidural.

The primary school teacher had suffered a placental tear while giving birth to her first child, Luca, four years previous. But midwives and doctors allegedly had “almost a smirk across their face, almost laughing”, saying a decision should not be made based on “pain and fear”, and allegedly said there was no reason she could not give birth naturally.

After 12 hours in labour, she was rushed for a C-section at 8.30am, when surgeons made the serious error of leaving a large piece of placenta in the uterine cavity. She was feeding her son for the first time when she felt blood “flowing between her legs”, the inquest heard. She died from a cardiac arrest.

Tom Cappuccini said: “I had the opportunity to kiss her and tell her how much I loved her. She said: ‘I love you and if anything happens make sure you look after the boys.’”

The family’s lawyer, Neil Sheldon, told the coroner, Roger Hatch: “If the C-section had been undertaken in an elected basis promptly on arrival at hospital, possibly by a different surgeon, then that basic error may not have been made.”

He asked the midwife Julie Ann Michaud: “You have a competent, intelligent, articulate adult patient who has come in and expressed a clear wish for a certain type of treatment. Why was that not the end of the matter?”

Michaud, who described Frances Cappuccini as coming in with a feeling of “impending doom”, and denied talking her out of the C-section, said: “She was a lovely lady to look after.”

Mike Atkins, representing Maidstone and Tunbridge Wells NHS trust, said the error that occurred could have been made regardless of when the surgery took place.

The inquest was originally halted in 2014 when the NHS trust made legal history by becoming the first to face corporate manslaughter charges.

A judge dismissed the case at the Inner London crown court in February 2016.

The inquest continues.

"Terrified" mother died after C-section advice dismissed, inquest hears

Babies born in London hospital "could leave with wrong mother"

The biggest hospital in Europe has been ordered to improve security on its maternity ward after inspectors found that mothers “might leave the unit with the wrong baby”. Some babies born at the Royal London hospital had no name tags – which could lead to them going home with the wrong families or even being given medication meant for another baby, according to the Care Quality Commission (CQC).

Inspectors said there was a “lax” approach to checking babies’ name bands. Even the head of midwifery at the hospital, in Whitechapel, east London, was unaware of a baby abduction policy, the regulator said. Inspectors found there were not enough midwives on the delivery suite to provide safe cover, and midwives said they had been ordered by managers not to raise concerns about low staff numbers.

There was a “mixed” view about how caring staff were: one mother told inspectors she was treated as “childish” because she was upset that her baby had been taken into special care.

Inspectors who visited the hospital in July this year said they also observed some “intracultural issues and some bullying behaviour” between groups of midwives, and between midwives and patients. Doctors and midwives on the postnatal ward referred to patients by their bed numbers rather than by name, according to the CQC.

Last year 4,645 babies were born at the Royal London, which is the largest stand-alone acute hospital in Europe.

The CQC has ordered the Barts health NHS trust, which runs the hospital, to improve security in maternity “urgently” after rating the service inadequate. The trust said it had already taken steps to address baby safety concerns, including the introduction of new baby ID tags. Overall the hospital was rated “requires improvement”.

Some of the other issues highlighted in the report include:

• A two-week backlog of outpatient appointments waiting to be booked and some patients waiting for over a year for follow-up appointments.
  


• The nutrition and hydration needs of patients were met, though in some busy departments this was enabled by patients’ relatives.
  


• Nine “never” events were reported at the hospital between August 2015 and July 2016 – wholly preventable errors. These blunders included a surgeon leaving an object inside a patient after finishing an operation, the extraction of a wrong tooth, “wrong-site implants” and incorrect medication being given to a patient.
  


• During the inspection, some patients in A&E had to wait an hour and 20 minutes for an initial assessment from a medic, though national guidance suggests the majority of people should be assessed by a clinician within 15 minutes.
  


• Some medics had to complete mandatory training in their own time or during their holiday leave.
  

Professor Sir Mike Richards, chief inspector of hospitals at the CQC, said: “We were most concerned about the standard of care around maternity and gynaecology services. Staffing on maternity wards was sometimes inadequately covered. But most worrying of all was the lack of a safe and secure environment for newborn babies. At the time of our inspection we raised this with the Royal London hospital as a matter for their urgent attention.”

A spokeswoman for the trust said: “We acted immediately to improve the security of babies at the Royal London hospital. It’s important to stress that these reports are based on observations from five months ago. Since then we have subjected our processes and procedures to forensic scrutiny.

“As a result, we’ve introduced new baby ID tags, we’ve reviewed our procedure for locking down the hospital, and refreshed our policy. We have recirculated our policy to all staff and now test it every single month. Women should be assured our services are safe and we will review our processes regularly to ensure they remain safe.”

Babies born in London hospital "could leave with wrong mother"

Mother Nature vs. Patented Drugs—one of these was never meant to cure you. Do you know the difference?

It may surprise you to know, the medical diagnosis and drugs you take for it, have only been around for about one hundred years. Prior to the rise of Western Medicine as the standard of care, and patented drugs as their treatment—for millennia-since the beginning of time—Mother Nature reigned supreme. After all, none of us would be alive if our ancestors died on the way to the drugstore.

It may also surprise you to learn that all laboratory-created patented drugs were originally taken from nature. In nature there is balance and order. Plants are living beings that have their own innate intelligence that can restore the human body to balance as well. This intelligence is why a plant can either enhance or diminish a certain condition as needed; as opposed to a laboratory created drug—which has no intelligence, and simply substitutes a pill for a function, until that function is suppressed.

Penicillin was created quite by surprise when Alexander Fleming, Professor of Bacteriology at St. Mary’s Hospital in London, returned from a holiday in 1928, to find a discarded petri dish containing colonies of Staphylococcus bacteria had grown mold while he was away. The area around the mold—later identified as a rare strain of Penicillium notatum—was clear, as if the mold had secreted something that inhibited bacterial growth. Fleming was credited with the discovery of the first antibiotic—a group of compounds capable of inhibiting and killing competing microbial species. This was hailed as the greatest discovery of our time. However, this phenomenon was known long before by ancient Egyptians—who applied poultices of moldy bread to infected wounds.

Antibiotics are naturally occurring compounds produced by bacteria and fungi. Good bacteria balances bad bacteria. Good yeast balances bad yeast. Western Medicine, by simply killing the bad bacteria—upsets the natural balance or order of things by not replenishing the good. With bacteria—it’s always a matter of numbers to keep things in balance. E Coli, for example, can be present in water, but isn’t a problem until the bacteria numbers reach a certain ppm, or parts per million. Simply killing the bacteria does not cause balance—because bacteria are intelligent, opportunistic living organisms and nature abhors a vacuum. Sooner or later, those bacteria that survive will colonize again, unless you seed the body with their competing and balancing good bacteria. Imagine the conversation between those antibiotic surviving superbugs colonizing in your small intestine:

“Dude—you’re a savage —nobody survives that many rounds of streptomycin.”

This is why antibiotics are becoming increasingly less effective. Bacteria and Fungi have the same innate intelligence that most humans do. When you denature them, you rearrange their molecular structure. This is why patented drugs, created in a laboratory, do not bring the condition into balance. Patented drugs are about creating customers who rely on these drugs to function. And because they are not natural molecules that your liver can break down into natural elements for healing—they simply add to the toxic load on your liver. This causes side effects. Which leads to more drugs to combat the side effects– which are sometimes worse than the simple solution to the original problem. All disease is a matter of balance—too little nutrients and too many toxins.

All of us have lost our connection to nature, to our origins, to the earth and plants and soil and organisms that came before us. Ron Finley said it best:
“No one’s a more prolific gangster artist than Mother Nature. We should replicate what she does. Yes it’s art. It’s knowing where life comes from. It’s knowing that nothing ever dies, ever. Nothing dies—it’s the energy transfer.”

Resources:

https://thetruthaboutcancer.com/
http://ronfinley.com/

Mother Nature vs. Patented Drugs—one of these was never meant to cure you. Do you know the difference?

My patients taught me how to heal after losing my mother

Graduating from medical school and becoming a doctor was an unforgettable experience. I remember transitioning from theory to practice, books to reality, hypothetical exam scenarios played by actors to real-life stories of patients. During my initial years as a junior doctor, I thought I knew it all and was mastering the skill of empathising with patients. Little was I aware that I myself, the doctor, would soon be dealing with the gripping sense of loss and grief that many of my patients were all too familiar with.

It was a summer evening and I was driving back home with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. My mum had travelled to Sri Lanka to help take care of her elder sister and had fallen ill with dengue fever. She was due to be discharged that weekend and Dad had decided to fly over to accompany her back home. Despite this, something made me feel nauseous that night. I put it down to irrational worry and long hours at work. I got home and soon fell asleep, a routine I was all too familiar with being a junior doctor.

The next thing I remember is being woken up at 2.30am by the ringing of my dad’s phone. I hurried into his room as an uncomfortable feeling came crashing down on me. I saw my dad in floods of tears and instantly realised that my life had changed forever. My mum had passed away and my world was falling apart. An overwhelming feeling of numbness took hold of me for weeks on end. I had expected relentless pain and to be shedding constant tears but this happened rarely. There were times when I was desperate to cry but failed miserably. I often asked myself how much I cared – did I not love my mum enough? Surely I should be crying all day and night? With time, the numbness transformed into the feeling of grief and reality soon dawned on me.

I changed jobs and started working on a cancer ward. A powerful memory from this job is that of a young boy peacefully asleep at the foot of his father’s bed. The young dad had an inoperable cancer and we had earlier informed the family of his poor prognosis. The strength and graciousness with which they took the news still bewilders me. I was moved when I asked the little boy what he aspired to be and he replied, “My dad”. The innocence of the child, the integrity of the family and the strength of the patient made me realise how unbelievably resilient people can be at the worst of times.

I had to break the news to a teenage girl that her mum was dying and was unlikely to make it through the weekend. I watched helplessly as she broke down and kept screaming for her mum. I struggled to hold back tears as the young girl inside me started calling out for my own mum. I felt about two feet small for thinking that I understood what suffering was. I remember being taught about bereavement and the various steps of the grieving process at medical school. But none of this prepared me for what I had to deal with that day. Being able to share the young girl’s grief had humbled me in a way that no formal medical education could have.

Many times during the job, the only thing I could do was to hold a hand or provide a shoulder to cry on. One thing I learned from losing my mum is that no amount of verbal consolation can lighten people’s suffering. Instead, just simply being present at someone’s side can be enough. I am thankful to all the patients and their loved ones for teaching me how to feel, how to ache and eventually, how to heal.

If you would like to write a blogpost for Views from the NHS frontline, read our guidelines and get in touch by emailing sarah.johnson@theguardian.com.

Join the Healthcare Professionals Network to read more pieces like this. And follow us on Twitter (@GdnHealthcare) to keep up with the latest healthcare news and views.

My patients taught me how to heal after losing my mother

Mother of teenager who killed himself appeals for kindness online

A mother whose teenage son took his own life after being the victim of bullying that began over a computer game has said everyone has a collective responsibility to prevent other young lives being lost.

In an open letter, Lucy Alexander said her son Felix, 17, was so damaged by the abuse, isolation and unkindness he had experienced before his death that he did not realise anyone at his school cared about him.

The sixth-form student, from Worcester, was pronounced dead after being hit by a train near the city on 27 April.

An inquest heard the “kind and caring” teenager with a bright future had moved to Pershore high school after experiencing difficulties at a previous school. Three weeks after his death, hundreds attended his funeral and there was standing room only because the church was so full.

In her letter published in the Worcester News, Alexander, who also has a daughter Charlotte, 22, and a son Ben, 21, said she was not writing for sympathy but for the other children like Felix who were also being bullied.

The bullying had begun, she told the Sun, when her son was just 10 and classmates at the fee-paying King’s school where he had previously been a pupil teased him because he was not allowed to play the video game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. It spiralled from there and he later became the victim of online abuse.

She said of her son in her letter: “His confidence and self-esteem had been eroded over a long period of time by the bullying behaviour he experienced in secondary education.

“It began with unkindness and social isolation and over the years, with the advent of social media, it became cruel and overwhelming. People who had never even met Felix were abusing him over social media and he found that he was unable to make and keep friends as it was difficult to befriend the most ‘hated’ boy in the school.

Felix’s family have been fundraising for Place2Be, a children’s mental health charity which provides in-school support and training for emotional wellbeing. Photograph: Family handout/PA

“He did make friends at his new school and the teaching staff found him to be bright, kind and caring. He was however so badly damaged by the abuse, isolation and unkindness he had experienced, that he was unable to see just how many people truly cared for him.”

The letter urged children to be kind always and to report bullying if they saw it. It said: “Be that one person prepared to stand up to unkindness. You will never regret being a good friend. I have been told that ‘everyone says things they don’t mean on social media’. Unkindness is dismissed as ‘banter’ and because they cannot see the effect of their words they do not believe there is one.”

She also said that teachers should be looking out for the signs of children struggling, especially if they were always sitting alone during lunch. Her final appeal was to parents. She said: “Please take an interest in what your children do online. We don’t like to think that our children could be responsible for being cruel to another child, but I have been shocked by the ‘nice’ kids who were responsible in part for Felix’s anguish. Even if they only say something horrible once, that will not be the only person who will have said something that week.”

Parents should encourage their children to self-edit and to use social media for kindness, she said. “On several occasions we removed all form of social media from Felix as it was causing so much distress, but that just isolated him further,” she said.

“Our lives have been irrevocably damaged by the loss of our wonderful son; please don’t let it happen to any other family.”

The family have been fundraising for Place2Be, a children’s mental health charity which provides in-school support and training for emotional wellbeing.

The charity’s director of communications, Jennie Meadows, said: “We are inspired by Lucy Alexander’s commitment to bringing about positive change from such a tragic and heartbreaking situation.”

She said the money raised following the death of Felix would help the charity reach more young people. She said: “The support that we have received as an organisation in memory of Felix is both overwhelming and unprecedented.”

• In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here

Mother of teenager who killed himself appeals for kindness online

Chickenpox vaccines should be more available, says "worst case" toddler"s mother – video

Sarah Allen, whose two-year-old son Jasper was treated at Hinchingbrooke hospital in Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire, for a severe case of chickenpox, speaks on Tuesday about her son’s recovery. Allen says existing vaccinations should to be made more available on the NHS or affordable for parents to purchase

Chickenpox vaccines should be more available, says "worst case" toddler"s mother – video

Can You Persuade Your Aging Mother or father Move To Assisted Residing?

[unable to retrieve complete-text content material]

My 93 12 months previous mom in law, Alice resisted the urgings of her little ones to move to a seniors’ neighborhood for a long time. Out of the blue, she just transformed her thoughts and allow us know about her selection without having prompting. A quick video of her selection-creating tells you her thoughts. She’s intelligent and considerate, and we are blessed.

Can You Persuade Your Aging Mother or father  Move To Assisted Residing?

This mother who left her little one on the subway is not some Negative Black Mom. She"s component of a mental-health stigma | Kirsten West Savali

When twenty-12 months-outdated Frankea Dabbs abandoned her 10-month-outdated child lady on a New York City subway platform on 7 July, it was a piercing cry for assist that has lengthy echoed all through homes, neighborhoods and cities across the United States – a cry that is typically ignored or replaced with a far more racially charged narrative.

The surface response to her actions would seem to be one particular of blanket shock: “Why would she do such a horrible issue?”

But the subtext to that query is this: “Why do they do such horrible things?”

And “they” are black girls living in poverty in the United States.

Dabbs, who was reportedly traumatized by witnessing her daughter’s father murdered as she hid beneath a bed even though two months pregnant, is suffering with psychological sickness and is homeless, in accordance to family members members. (She was reportedly also arrested for prostitution, but was never ever convicted.)

“Things is wrong with Frankea’s thoughts,” her aunt informed the New York Day-to-day News. “She walks about with dark shades. She even sleeps in dark shades. I actually feel there is one thing mentally wrong with Frankea.”

But when “incorrect” is a label attached to a younger, black mother who abandoned her child, it displays a broader, a lot more sinister background. “Incorrect” represents a manifestation of black pathology. “Wrong” describes a supposedly innate criminality. “Incorrect” gets the purpose we more invisibilize poor, black females with no a single or nothing at all to rely on but their faith and their family, neither of which is assured.

Dabbs, who was kicked out of her home for allegedly displaying signs of psychological illness, is a textbook case of a female who wants aid, not self-righteous indignation. But, alternatively, her encounter has been splashed across the information as a Negative Black Mom.

By comparison, in a Duke University study carried out by Jayne Huckerby entitled “Girls Who Destroy Their Youngsters”, the author noted that white, middle-class females accused of filicide are often perceived as “mad” mothers who must be taken care of with care and humanity. Due to entrenched racial and ethnic stereotypes, however, females of color living in poverty are perceived as “undesirable” mothers just before they even commit a crime – and some thing worse if they do.

In spite of getting much more most likely to be basically perceived as “negative” mothers, African-Americans are 20% more very likely to report obtaining critical psychological distress than non-Hispanic whites, according to the US Division of Overall health and Human Providers Workplace of Minority Solutions. And, according the NIH study “African American Women’s Beliefs About Psychological Illness, Stigma, and Preferred Coping Behaviors”, just becoming a black woman in the United States areas a single at danger for building psychological illness:

The prices of mental overall health problems are greater than typical for Black girls because of psychological elements that result straight from their knowledge as Black Americans. These experiences incorporate racism, cultural alienation, and violence and sexual exploitation.

The girls believed going through family-related tension and social stress were attainable triggers of psychological sickness. The household-relevant stressors, like trauma, family difficulties, and violence, are supported in the investigation literature. Davis, Ressler, Schwartz, Stephens, &amp Bradley (2008) found that African Americans in minimal-earnings, urban communities are at substantial threat for exposure to traumatic occasions, including possessing relatives murdered and their personal encounter with bodily and sexual assaults, all of which are linked with the onset of publish-traumatic anxiety syndrome and depression.

The stigma connected to psychological well being in this nation is endangering lives. And the stigma of currently being a poor, black lady in this nation with mental wellness difficulties is endangering even a lot more. Black American females struggling at the intersection of race, gender and class face intensely exclusive problems by feeling obliged to embody the quite stereotypes that hurt us, including that of the “sturdy black lady”, even when we are sick. We aren’t supposed to cry when we’re hurt we are not supposed to bleed when daily life throws blow following blow, threatening our quite existence. We are supposed to keep a robust façade so as not to threaten a social ecosystem dependent on our unacknowledged labor to thrive.

There are far more Frankea Dabbs residing at the margins than we see on the information. We want to support them by addressing the disparities in psychological wellness accessibility for females of color residing in poverty, including producing psychological well being dialogues focused on postpartum depression more inclusive of girls of color.

We require to make sure that reproductive well being training and family preparing providers are obtainable to females of color residing in poverty, rather than demonizing them for what they do not know or cannot use when our politicians feel that abstinence-only schooling and limiting birth manage access wins them elections.

We must fix the embarrassing lack of foods protection for ladies of colour living in poverty, rather than permitting those who consider to entry fundamental social services to be derided as “welfare queens.”

Frankea Dabbs may have never informed anyone that she was struggling, preferring as an alternative to hide in the dark – potentially from herself. But she spoke loud and clear when she left her child on an subway platform hoping that an individual – any person –could be the mother or father that she couldn’t. In result, she’s gotten her want: she’s facing costs and, undoubtedly, her child will be removed from her custody. Nonetheless, if we allow her story – and the sensational headlines it created – fade from our collective memory with no altering something about the techniques that failed her and her youngster, we’re just paving the way for it to come about once more.

If these factors are to be achieved, this nation must very first stop denying ladies of color residing in poverty their humanity.

This mother who left her little one on the subway is not some Negative Black Mom. She"s component of a mental-health stigma | Kirsten West Savali

Do not fall asleep holding your little one, mother and father warned

Midwives, GPs and wellness guests should also make dad and mom mindful that the dangers are considerably greater if dad and mom drink, smoke or get medication, the advice states. Infants born prematurely or with a minimal birth fat are at an increased risk of cot death if they rest with their parents.

“Falling asleep with a infant, whether that’s in a bed or on a sofa or chair, is risky,’’ explained Prof Mark Baker, the director of clinical practice at Great. “It’s critical that all mothers and fathers and carers know about the association in between sudden infant death syndrome and falling asleep with a child underneath the age of one particular.’’

He additional: ”There is no universal agreement on the causes of sudden infant death syndrome.

”We know there is a link in between Sids and falling asleep with a infant in a bed or on a sofa or chair, but scientific studies into why this occurs can frequently give conflicting final results. And other aspects are most likely to perform a portion in escalating the risk to the infant.

”We recognise that some dad and mom may possibly decide on to share a bed with their infant simply because it could make breastfeeding less difficult, or for cultural motives. Or they may possibly be forced to co-rest because they might not have the area or money for a cot.

”This is why it really is so crucial for parents to understand what the hazards are. The suggestions we are developing aim to assist well being care specialists inform mother and father and carers of the likely hazards related with co-sleeping, according to the greatest obtainable proof.”

The Wonderful guidance has been place out for consultation until the end of the month.

Do not fall asleep holding your little one, mother and father warned

Mother asks hospital repay £650,000 she donated right after death of her son

His final wish was to boost cancer solutions at Withybush hospital in Haverfordwest but, 10 many years later on, his legacy has nevertheless not been invested.

As his sickness progressed, Mr Evans-Thomas desired to give anything back to the hospitals that had aided him and he started raising funds by means of the Adam’s Bucketful of Hope appeal to refurbish the cancer ward at Withybush and build a new cancer day unit.

When he died, his mom took on the legacy and via the large-profile nature of her son’s campaign, she helped to raise £649,776 for cancer providers in Pembrokeshire.

She told the BBC she had repeatedly been provided dates for when his want would be fulfilled but it by no means has, and now she desires the funds back to reinvest into the Pembrokeshire community.

She additional her son would be “quite, very saddened” that the money had yet to be invested.

Ms Evans-Thomas, who has acquired an MBE for her fundraising, explained she would not give up till she had “got anything to present, to have some that means why Adam had to go”.

Hywel Dda overall health board mentioned £550,000 had been set aside for the refurbishment of the primary cancer ward at Withybush and to build a cancer day unit.

Mother asks hospital repay £650,000 she donated right after death of her son

Mother and father must devote high quality time with their children, says Royal University of Paediatrics and Youngster Wellness

Dad and mom must commit much more quality time with children and not substitute or change interaction with screens, the Royal School of Paediatrics and Little one Well being (RCPCH) has claimed.

Dr Tim Ubhi, a spokesman for RCPCH, stated mother and father need to have good quality time with their children, and encouraged them to have greater dialogue with their children.

The consultant paediatrician said: “Currently in the western world, the parent/little one romantic relationship is substituted or replaced by technologies- Tv, DVDs, iPads- utilised to occupy young children although we lead active lives.”

The comments come right after the American Academy of Paediatrics announced new guidelines for the 62,000 paediatricians it represents to tell dad and mom they need to go through to their youngsters from birth.

Dr Ubhi gave his informal assistance for the proposals in the US but stated that it did not indicate it would grow to be official policy right here.

He explained: “We haven’t made it policy, there would have to be investigation but what I would say is dad and mom need to commit quality time with kids and this is a way to have quality time.”

The spokesman for RCPCH praised the guidelines for “trying to enhance mother or father/youngster interaction” because of what he claimed was a “clear disparity among social lessons”. Dr Ubhi pointed to the truth that young children from wealthier backgrounds have a clear benefit and the American proposals had been a way to “address the balance”.

He explained the review behind the recommendations highlighted “an concern that wants addressing” and additional that the proposals “raised the profile of the want to devote good quality time with children”.

Mother and father must devote high quality time with their children, says Royal University of Paediatrics and Youngster Wellness

There is no harm in a young little one obtaining a evening away from its mother | Jack O"Sullivan

‘When a group of family court judges was not too long ago asked whether or not a little one could safely spend a night away from mum, there were various opinions.’ Photograph: Brian Vikander/Alamy

I have no more great memory than cuddling my daughter and son to sleep. Bath time, stories, then snuggling down. When they woke in the evening it was tiring but magical to calm their distress. I miss that these infants-turned-teens now place themselves to bed and rest by means of until morning. But the unspoken bonds forged overnight years in the past carry us by way of the turbulence of their adolescence.

So I am shocked to hear parenting guru Penelope Leach claim that following mother and father split, no child underneath 4 can devote even a single evening away from their mom with out the threat of lasting damage to the kid. Her latest book, Household Breakdown, cites “undisputed evidence” that overnight separation from mum can adversely have an effect on a child’s brain improvement.

These trenchant certainties threaten to have an tremendous effect on dad and mom and judges who are frequently baffled about what is best soon after couples split. For instance, when a group of household court judges was just lately asked whether a kid could safely commit a evening away from mum there were diverse opinions. 1 ventured that probably any overnight remain “would be a undesirable point” another said “it depends” while a third laughed out loud: “My grandchildren frequently stay overnight with me and have accomplished considering that they were babies!”

Leach’s influence is even more worrying because science exhibits her “undisputed proof” to be incorrect. She relies on a single study from Australia (McIntosh et al, 2010). Responding to this examine, the American Psychological Association (APA) has published a paper, Social Science and Parenting Plans for Youthful Young children: A Consensus Report, endorsed by 110 of the world’s foremost child mental overall health professionals from 15 nations, repudiating its conclusions. The lead writer of the Australian examine has subsequently dropped the conclusions that Leach relies on, stating: “Cautions against overnight care for the duration of the very first 3 many years are not supported.” Sadly for so many young children and their dad and mom, Leach does not incorporate this addendum in her guide.

We can’t afford for such critical concerns about child welfare to turn into an ideological battleground. Parents – and the judiciary – want clear advice grounded in sound evidence. Which is why the APA overview is so valuable, since it offers an overview of 45 many years of settled and accepted investigation.

“We discovered no help for the idea that kids under 4 (some say under 6) need to devote almost all their time residing with only one particular mother or father, when their other parent is also loving and attentive,” the lead writer Professor Richard Warshak explained. “Warnings towards infants and toddlers investing overnight time with each and every parent are inconsistent with what we know about the growth of robust, positive parent-little one relationships. Babies and toddlers require parents who reply regularly, affectionately and sensitively to their needs. They do not need to have, and most do not have, one particular parent’s complete-time, round-the-clock presence.”

The proof continues to mount. A latest review reported prolonged-term positive aspects to teenagers and young adults who, as pre-schoolers, stayed overnight with their fathers after their mother and father separated. These youngsters really feel a lot more essential to their dads than youngsters who were deprived of overnights. They report greater relationships with their fathers at no cost to the top quality of their relationships with their mothers. And these youngsters showed no indications of any extended-phrase tension-relevant overall health difficulties.

To me, as a dad, this helps make sense. I know that my young children required me near by them at night when they were small, and I loved to share that time. My pals who are dads come to feel the identical way, and have intimate and crucial relationships with their young children in that hidden, private existence that is modern day fatherhood. We are stunned by inaccuracies peddled as respectable wisdom by such influential figures as Leach. I am sure numerous mothers are appalled as effectively. Mums, also, can stand up for the fatherhood on which their youngsters depend, and present how these spurious claims fail to reflect the lived knowledge of families.

There is no harm in a young little one obtaining a evening away from its mother | Jack O"Sullivan

Ought to mother and father ever argue in front of their little ones?

“This is getting human – you get angry, you get harm, you yell and say items you will not suggest – and then you circle back and you’re accountable. Otherwise, children hit adulthood and they will not know how to deal with conflict.”

^{Make sure your kid sees the resolution of any argument and knows they are not at fault. Photo: GETTY}

So is she correct? Does the odd row actually toughen them up? Should mother and father be getting ready their youngsters for possible potential confrontations?

Christina Hopkinson, writer of The A-Checklist Household and mother of 3 youngsters underneath ten, doesn’t think so.

“No, I do not believe couples should argue in front of the kids,” she says.

“There are plenty of normal, wholesome pursuits that our young children can know that we mother and father do without having possessing to witness them – sex currently being the clear illustration. To which my youngsters would also include me singing that song from Frozen. But kids are properly capable of studying about the poor issues in lifestyle without getting to be continually exposed to them.”

A review from the University of East Anglia, the results of which were published earlier this year, would agree it truly is unhealthy.

It scanned the brains of 58 teenagers aged 17 to 19 – and asked their dad and mom to recall any family members negativity among the child’s birth and the age of eleven (this kind of as raised voices, aggression, or bodily violence). The outcomes? These who had knowledgeable loved ones discord in their formative many years had a smaller volume of grey matter in the brain, especially the cerebellum (which has been linked to problems this kind of as impaired understanding, nervousness, schizophrenia, depression and bipolar).

Dr Helen Rodwell is a consultant clinical psychologist, specialising in families dealing with domestic violence.

She argues that there’s no clear-reduce answer the essential issue is to be mindful of any row crossing the line into nerve-racking, or abusive, territory.

“Ask yourself what tone you are using,” she advises. “Is this a healthful argument? It is attainable to show young children how to express their feelings and give them a model of how to debate, compromise and pay attention. But be aware of any fight becoming controlling. That’s when anxiety can take place and – research have shown – result a child’s developing brain.”

Dr Rodwell also says that age is a consideration.

“Even a child or toddler will react to loud voices or anger,” she explains. “But they will not recognize the family members culture adequate to know no matter whether it is a safe situation, or not – regardless of whether the argument is a unusual occurrence, or a regular point.”

^{Even infants can pick up on angry voices. Photo: GETTY}

For my component, I hardly ever recall my mothers and fathers arguing in front of me (and any real shouting was generally as a consequence of anything naughty a single of us had accomplished – resolved by the guilty get together becoming sent to their area). Presumably, their genuinely serious disagreements have been conducted in secret. And I’m grateful for that. What I did not know then, could not hurt me.

The handful of cases throughout which voices had been raised, I identified quite upsetting. I was fortunate to develop up in a happy residence. Certainly, I’m not convinced there’s any middle ground – as a kid either you get employed to fighting as a way of existence, or you happen to be shocked by it.

But Dr Rodwell thinks there can be – and locations the onus on dad and mom to produce an surroundings in which young children can comprehend regardless of whether raised voices are serious, or not.

“It’s up to mums and dads to determine what their kids are exposed to. My suggestions is to consist of your children in some trivial household discussions. That way they have a fundamental platform and can comprehend when one thing far more critical is becoming debated.”

Hopkinson also advocates a degree of self-awareness – specifically if conflict threatens to escape the confines of the family property.

“I do not believe couples must argue in front of any individual but each and every other,” she says.” We have all acquired people bickering friends whose every single exchange starts with the phrases ‘oh for eff’s sake, darling’ – and, even though, at first amusing, it gets wearying and soul-destroying to devote time with them. It truly is not so much the fact that they argue – we all do – but that they’ve so lost sight of what is acceptable that they no longer make any try to hide their quarrels”.

But if you actually can’t help arguing at your partner in front of your whole loved ones, here are a handful of guidelines to support you limit the fallout.

Remain in management: Don’t resort to calling your partner names, swearing or issuing threats. A constructive argument may well be beneficial for kids to see in some circumstances – but you want them to be in no doubt that you nonetheless really like each other. “Avoid criticising every single other,” says Dr Rodwell. “That’s particularly unhelpful to children and can set off a ‘fight or flight’ response, as they’ll truly feel threatened”.

Do not argue about the children in front of the young children: This will likely leave one parent on the side of the little one and the other in opposition – so the child itself will see an possibility to divide and conquer. Similarly, don’t inspire them to consider sides as this can lead to emotions of guilt

Don’t badmouth distinct people: or you may well discover some unpleasant house truths coming from the mouths of babes at your subsequent household gathering.

Resolve the argument as best you can: Present you children that it’s Okay to have various opinions and demonstrate essential existence expertise such as negotiation and compromise. “Make a present of calming down,” says Dr Rodwell. “Be explicit about it and say, ‘we’re also het up to make a decision about this now, so we’ll type it out as grown-ups later’. That will inspire them to listen to their personal emotions, too”.

Really don’t pretend the row did not occur: Speak to your youngster and make certain they know it as just a row and you’re nevertheless a content loved ones. They require to know that the odd fight isn’t the finish of the globe. And really don’t fail to remember, says Hopkinson, “Siblings do adequate fighting amongst themselves to get any little one utilised to conflict”.

Do you think it’s healthful to argue in front of young children? Join the debate with @TeleWonderWomen and @clairecohen1

Ought to mother and father ever argue in front of their little ones?